ESSAYS

SEPTEMBER 3, 2025

Interesting day. Had my second round of radial frequency ablation. It worked Yay. They even added a little fentenyl to my vercet. They knew I was a little nervous that the painful episode would happen again. It’s a little sore but I know my lower back will feel great for several months. I am very lucky that this procedure works so well for me. I worked on my little dog painting for my friend Teryn and finished it!! I hope she likes. I’m sure she will. At 2 pm I did an interview with Erica Passvar on her The You Are More Than Your Age podcast. I really liked her and we interviewed for 1 hr and 30 minutes. It won’t air for several weeks. Now I’m cleaning up my basement mess, exercised and heading ot upstairs studio. It’s a wreck and I need to do some embroidery and gather my fabric etcetera for the quilt retreat. So excited to go. That’s it for now.

SEPTEMBER 1, 1953

Today’s Untamed Elemental card was Seashell. I feel like I am balanced regarding the reading. “Rest in the unshakable truth that you are traveling upward on a golden spiral and there’s no going back“. My creative energy is back. I’m writing, painting, exercising. Working on my comedy for the Mahjcon in October. I am a bit worried about the basement where I do my painting, exercising and writing. Smells mildewy again. I’m gauging my headaches to see if they happen when I am down here. Now to get some info for tomorrows Lunch Therapy!

AUGUST 31, 2025

I LOVE A NEW MONTH

I have a busy September. Tomorrow Becky and I will do a fused glass class. We are making cat shapes. Monday Mahjong is on tap. Lunch Therapy on Tuesday. Wednesday I will be interviewed The More Than Your Age Podcast. It is Erica Pasvar’s Podcast. I really like her and she is finding some really interesting ladies. I also have another Radio Frequency Ablation on my back. Ugh. Thursday Becky and I will take off for a little trip. She will be getting off at Meade Ks. I will continue onto Guymon, OK for a 3 day quilt retreat. I love this retreat. I think this will be my 3rd one. Not sure what I will work on. This month will be my month I will be “Receptive to divinely sourced potentials” Tasya van Ree.
I have paintings to paint, an ornament to paint, Zeke’s portrait, a quilt to sew, and a 15 minute set for Mahjcon. Need to stay focused. The house is chaotic riht now because of the kitchen remodel. It will be so beautiful but at least 2 weeks before countertop is in and then the sink and dishwasher will be installed Denny is so great. He’s been doing the dishes in the bathroom. What else do you do?
Feeling better right now. I went to my therapist and told her I was dying. We visited about that for a bit then she said to look at the things I’m able to do even thought I don’t always feel great. This is true. Biggest issue is my tooth and it’s root. Still not sure if it’s in my sinus or not but one doctor at a time.
September will be a no buying month. Let’s see how that goes. That does mean no purchases at the quilt retreat which is very hard!! I can do it. I wish I knew which project to work on. Maybe a couple of small projects using the zillion kits I have. That way if I have an issue I’ll have help. So glad Becky is also driving with me. It’s notorious sleepy trip for me.
That’s it for this Sunday.

TRYING TO HANG IN THERE

I am in such a strange time of my life. I just don’t know who’s body I am living in. So many things going on. Taking antibiotics for sinus issue. Maybe feeling a little better, but I’m also really itchy and find myself just scratching really hard because it is upsetting my. Benedryl helps but I hate to take it during the day. I’m very upset about my weight gain and I see that Dupixent could be the culprit. I do an injection tomorrow so we’ll see how I feel itchy wise? if I put on more weight.

I can’t imagine eating 1000 calories a day but it may come to that. I have definitely stuck with exercising but now on exercise bike. Billie coming over to walk with me tomorrow and I’ll try my new cooper fit sleeve for my shin splint. Hope it works because I was enjoying my walks. Purchased a fitbit but forgot to turn it on tonight. I do like tracking results. It keeps me motivated.

Excited that our cabinets and appliances are coming tomorrow. Scott will come over and we’ll go over plans. I hope he’ll be able to tear cabinets out while we are in Colorado next week. Puppies will be with Aunt Ruth but I’ll worry a bit for Sugar Kitty. I’ll make sure people come check on her.

Drove to Kansas City yesterday and met with a women’s group who do improv and comedy. Even though it is a drive I think it will be a good group to be part of. I might talk to Jillaine about possible staying all night with them at times? We’ll see how next few months go. I am working on a new set and feel ok right now doing it. My negative thoughts keep trying to stop me but I am really trying to stay positive. I just have 2 shows. If I feel overwhelmed I’ll know that part of my life will end but I would love to do improve. These women are very successful with that and had Fringe shows this year. That’s a big deal.

Denny continues to get better. He also wants to lose weight so we can do this together. We have been enjoying our peach shortcakes wayyyyy tooo much.

March 12, 2025

DISAPPOINTMENTS

I am one of those moods where I’m over it all. Last night at work I was written up for an error. I did a training 2 weeks ago on a new company. I had 2 days of training and then 1 day on my own. There were a lot of steps to the system and I would ask questions if confused. Apparently a client saw that I had misspelled their name. That is very bad if the actually donor sees an error. I was told to slow down my typing and I will not be allowed to work on the program for awhile. I just can’t believe how they make you sign a paper when you are doing something new and are in training!!! The way this works is you are told about the mistake and then you sign this sheet which goes in your folder. Right now I have 2 written up documents for typing errors. If you get 3 I think you can get fired!! Apparently if you are good, the error page is pulled or something. I don’t know. I’m mature and I understand getting told about a mistake, but…. not getting in trouble when you are in training. Another thing is that you never know if you are doing well. No compliments. I asked my supervisor, who I really like, about how I am doing regarding quotas. She said fine. If I haven’t been called for a talk I’m doing ok! Whatever!!

I was writing a Dear Mama J advise column for a local FB magazine. I did it 5 days a week for a month. My friends would send me letters and I would answer. I received no comments, no one wrote in, and no likes. I felt that was weird but apparently I sucked?? I didn’t think I did. I would ask the editor about how the site was doing, was I getting any looks, etc. 3 weeks ago he told me that a Georgia paper was interested in my page. I guess that was a lie. He also quit answering my messages and emails. I hate that so much. Don’t give me the excuse you are busy. We all are. I don’t expect an immediate answer but hopefully in a couple of days I would. Never got any replies. I really like the idea of this FB magazine. They provide free obituaries and a lot of interesting local news. So why treat me that way. It was a lot of work to write 5 letters a week. I sent him an email last week and said it was apparent that the advice column wasn’t going in the direction we thought it would and that I would not be sending in anymore letters in. His answer: “best of luck to you”. No thank you for trying, you did a good job, blah blah blah. ‘

Last week I brought several items for the unsheltered bicycles. Some locks and patches. I had to leave early so I left the items for the guy who was going to pass them out. I didn’t hear if the items were given so I wrote the guy a week later to see if he had done that. He just said YES. No they appreciated them, thank you for the donation, etc.

Yes I am whining. I don’t need huge gratitude from everyone. I just would like to know that it was appreciated, thank you for trying, and hey you are doing okay at work. Is that our culture now? No kudos, just complaints or nothing at all. It wears on me.

I am still struggling with my comedy community. No one cares that I’m not performing. No One. That hurts a bit to not be missed. The bottom line is that no one cares what I have to say or how I feel. I am truly realizing this. They do care if I say something pro homeless on FB. I had 50 hateful comments last week after a comment about the homeless being moved. I couldn’t believe it and had to work hard not to let it bring me down.

I did see me my therapist this week. We didn’t talk about these topics but I am to stay away from negative articles and FB. Keep good people around me. No impulsiveness because that what I do when I am down. Mainly quick buys on Amazon. I am changing my medications and so far I think Welbrutin is going to be a good med for me. Mixing it with my Effexor is great. No withdrawals from Effexor which is horrific. The last 2 days I haven’t even felt weird.

New thought now is that I will not share my writings anymore. Why would I?? No one cares what is going on around me or the world or my family or anything and that is okay. I need to learn to write just for me. I can do that.

That is it for now. I have PT today. I am glad I am going back to

https://jpattersonstories.blog/it-is-too-cold-for-anyone-to-live-outside/

FEBRUARY 22, 2025

IT’S BEEN A FINE WEEK

Another week of frigid temps, snow, warming centers, work. God bless the groups that set up the warming centers, go find the unsheltered and bring them to warmth, the people who donated so many supplies, the emts and police who help by bringing in some unsheltered when they see them walking about. God bless the volunteers who spend hours at the warming centers. I love these people so much. In the last 2 weeks I worked 3 shifts of 9pm to 1 am. Some of the clients recognize me from Street Dog which I love. On each shift there are 4 volunteers. Our jobs vary each night. I was very busy my 3 nights. One night was laundry and a guy who came in late all bundled up. When he became unbundled we had to call the police because he had a warrant and was banned from all social services for the homeless. At least he did go to a warm jail cell. Another night a young lady had an epileptic seizure. I called 911. What was interesting was that some of the ladies staying at the center gave us a lot of information on her so we could share that with the EMTs. She didn’t go to the hospital but her friends were keeping an eye on her and would make sure she took her meds. The best story was our male client and his dog Abby. She’s a chiauau with painted pink toenails. There was an incident in the male side. He wanted to leave and gathered all his stuff. I heard him say to call someone. I knew her. So at 1:15 am I’m texting her and tell I have him in my car until she comes. He and I talked the whole time. He is just coming out of being non communicative and I was so happy he was talking to me. I know him from Street Dog Coalition. We were able to take him to a hotel and he was warm and safe. I loved to be able to be apart of that. Dear Mama J is going well. I’m answering 5 letters a week. We shall see how it continues. That’s it for now. Peace and it is warming up.

FEBRUARY 15, 2025

NEED TO KEEP MY HEART SAFE

I have many things in my head today. I overslept and had to hurry out of the house to meet friends at coffee shop. That always rattles me. I take my meds later than usual and then that makes me feel like a weirdo. Had a great visit with my friends but I did have 4 shot of espresso. I have a lot of shit to do today. Mainly writing. I am questioning why I chose to comment on a RFKjr FB post that I posted but am now getting comments on it. Totally unnecessary and a waste of time. I’m done commenting. Thankfully on my end I wasn’t being mean or unfriending etc.

I will be writing a lot this weekend for the Dear Mama J letters. Just talked to the editor and we are over 100,000. It’s very exciting.

We have a family issue that is making me sad. It’s not a close relative but one I know and he’s young man which pulls the ol’ heart strings. Many are helping him. Praying that he finishes his high school classes next week. He is so close. He has 2 teachers that are behind him 100% which so fucking cool!!! He’s got to make it. He has had a very sad life and has a Dad who doesn’t like him. He was adopted and then his mommy, my niece, died when he was 7. He had been in the system since he was very young. Lots of abandonments due to loved ones passing away. I want to help, but I also know it’s a tricky situation. Drugs are an issue too. My prayers are for him to finish school. Hopefully find some help with social services in his town that can guide him. I hope he feels he does have love all around him.

FEBRUARY 14, 2025

ANOTHER VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITY AT THE WARMING CENTER.

Our Topeka weather is being weird. We had a little snowstorm and bitter cold beginning on Tuesday. I volunteered at the Childrens Palace on Wednesday and Thursday night. This time I actually did jobs. I stayed in the ladies room until everyone quieted down and went to sleep. That took til 11 pm. Then I began doing laundry. We 3 people check in late. What are they doing walking all around. I wonder where they had been or if they were a long way and just took a bit to get there. I put together a bedding. I also put together 2 outfits. The 4 hours went quickly. I enjoy the other volunteers. Some of them have been doing this for years. So many stories. So may unhoused.

Also had some difficult work this week. It’s not that it was hard, but involved with several piles for different reasons. I really don’t mind doing it. It’s extraction which is actually sorting mail and money. The time zips by. I really really like this job. I really really like the hours.

Disappointed with my co-hosting with Joel this week. My internet sucked so bad that I had to leave the podcast. Joel and Kamala sent me the nicest gifts today. Love those guys.

Mahjong today and I won a few games. We’re having fun planning for Mahjcon in October. Really trying to play by the rules game and there are so many rules.

Hopefully I’ll accomplish some serious plans done this week.!

FEBRUARY 4, 2025

BUSY MIND TODAY

Another day standing in the UV tube. I have been doing this for months to help with my icky skin issue. It’s icky because they are sores like pimples, but very painful. They bug me. They rub on my clothes. They burn. I want to mess with them which makes it worse. Just an ongoing bunch of ick. Today I ordered a onsie to sleep in. Maybe being all closed up will help some of my compulsive issues. We shall see! I have so much weirdness.

It’s Black History Month. I’ve always been very conscious of this month. When I was in high school, 1969, the black student union asked permission to have an assembly during this time. The school said no! #1 Why?? #2 Of course it was upsetting. Upsetting enough that the auditorium curtains were set on fire and all hell broke loose. My friend and I were in the bathroom smoking when the alarms went off. We were probably the first to leave the school. We could see the flames. I was brought up that everyone is equal, never use the “N” word. My dad was instrumental in hiring minorities at the State Office Building. The school was partially shut down for a week or two. Those who wanted to come to school could and if you stayed home you could without it being counted against you. My junior college was eye opening because the only black students were basically athletes. El Dorado still had a “black part of town.” This was 1971. I dated one of the football players. I told my Dad and surprisingly he didn’t think that was a good idea! WHAT! Hypocrite. In 1973 my first husband and I moved to Georgia for a few years. Now talk about “EYE OPENING”. Oh my God. His family was very racist and hated black people. Used the N word and all sorts of derogatory remarks. I would defend and they knew how I felt. I went to a Vo-Tech for printing. There were about 4 black guys in the class. We would have Friday happy hours and the whole class would go out for beers. Sometimes I would have the class come to my house. Can you believe that my neighbors wanted to kill me and my black friends!!!! They were a dangerous group to live around. Two of the neighbors were single mother families of several kids without indoor plumbing!! Their husbands were in jail for selling moonshine. It was a very crazy time for me. My drinking was off the charts. First time that I had alcohol poisoning was when I lived there. I almost died. We lived there for 2 years. Atlanta had hired their first black Mayor! Maynard Jackson. Times were changing. It was also a difficult time to live with such narrow mindness. I guess my convictions were strong enough to get through it. What is fun for me at this time of my life is the diversity of friends. Comedy brought me together with all kinds of people. I feel so enriched by my friends of color, gay, lesbian, trans, bi, binary. I like that this has happened before I died. When we lived in Colorado we had 2 black men living in town. La Veta was very hispanic. Apparently back in the day, the prejudice was about that. It’s very rich in hispanic culture and history. We owned an RV Park. I think maybe we had 10 campers of color visit in the 5 years we owned it. Moving back to Topeka, such a mixture of races. It’s more real. I feel the comedy community is very open to everyone and hope all my friends feel that way. PEACE AND OUT

February 3, 2025

It’s February!

Apparently the rodent has seen his shadow so maybe 6 weeks of winter. Maybe not but it is very nice today. I love how the population comes out in droves. Walking, motorcycling, bicycling. It’s a nice scene.

Productive day. Trying to get my Portugal trip paid for that is coming in May. It’s a great company because I had immediate responses which was great. I’be booked my plane ticket. I had a $3100 voucher from Aer Lingus from a cancelled COVID trip. I will be able to fly business class which I so love. Have only done it once but it spoiled me. The trip is put on my Ricky Tims and Hugo. Hugo is from Portugal so it will be a special trip traveling with people who live there. Always the best.

I did watch the Grammy’s last night. It doesn’t bother me that Beyonce won the big prizes. It’s happened before at all award shows. She deserved it before and didn’t receive and now she finally has one. I really enjoyed the music numbers. I was not familiar with many of singers but I really liked the entertainment. New fan of Bennet, Chappel and Raye. Chappel is from a little town is Missouri which was close to wear my parents lived. It’s a REALLY small time. Good for her to come this far. I did buy an Alterdeen hoodie which all proceeds go toward their charity. A little support. I did read an interesting comment how the room was full of millionaires and billionaires who I’m sure have donated. I’m sure many of them have donated big bucks but it was a little awkward for all of the donate comments. I’m still not trusting of donating to disasters. It seems there are more disasters with the funds.

Denny is entering week 4 of his radiation. He is feeling the effect of the fatigue now. Hopefully he’ll just rest each day but he hates feeling this way. Wish I could help more. Main thing I do is not make too many plans for us. He is walking the dogs several times a day which gives me fatigue!!

JANUARY 29, 2025

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

wELL well welll….Survived another year. Wow. I do hope 72 is a little mentally healthier than 71. I’ll try. It’s been a good day. Nothing wild but worked on my plants and they look beautiful. Actually I am very happy for my succulents. They are glowing and healthy and beautiful. Wish I had a big window I could put them all in one place but it’s okay. They do look great on my new shelving.

Had a fun Lunch Therapy yesterday. Need to work on how I look on line. I have web cam but it is not working for some reason. We shall see. Apparently there is a lot of planet activity happening so I bought a telescope for myself. I will need to go out of town to get full effect but I hope I can get some cool photos. We’ll see. I was unpacking it and it fell on my little toe so I left it alone for now.

Meeting Billie and Elliott at the Cat Cafe this afternoon before work. Have not been there yet so it will be fun. I will not bring home a kitten!!

That’s it for now.

JANUARY 27, 2025

Having a productive day. Getting my writing done. Packing some boxes to ship. Brushed the dogs. House is even in order. We had a birthday party on Saturday. We served chili, chicken wings, cupcakes, cinnamon bread. Around 20 people came by. It was definitely cozy but everyone fit in. It was nice to have a little get together. Denny and I used to have huge parties. I even had parties when I was single. Have always enjoyed that. I remember once I lived in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Tiny tiny kitchen. Living room. I had soo many people that we literally all just shoulder to shoulder and on the floor. It was so fun. My first husband and I had a classic Halloween party back in the 70’s. There were so many people. Everyone came in costume. We had the house all decorated with cool lights, scary music, and of course keg of beer and pot and who knows what else. We lived out in the country and I remember there was just people all over the place. When I was in high school, my parents went out of town for a couple of weeks. Friday night was party night. I had about 10 girlfriends staying all night. We put our cigarettes in a big bowl like we saw in the movies. We had beer and maybe some alcohol?? What I really remember is there were boys all around the house. I couldn’t let them in. Some of the girls went out to see their boyfriends. We were having so much fun until the parents who lived down the street saw the commotion. They knocked on the door but I couldn’t let them in with all the beer cans and smoke. I thought “oh man, I am going to be grounded for the rest of my life!!!!! I was also told not to drive the car while they were gone. Of course I did. The only reason I got caught was because the passenger seat had been moved up close and my Dad couldn’t fit in. OOOOOps. Yes I was grounded for awhile but not for life. When we first lived in Colorado we had a huge beautiful spanish style home. I decided that I was going to throw a New Years Eve party. We had lived there about 6 months and I had met quite a few people. Denny didn’t know many at all. We had 50 people show up. It was soooo fun. Denny still remembers just not knowing who anyone was. One of my best girlfriend parties was an Oscar Party. My sister Judy and her husband were staying with me because Denny was out of town. We had swag bags, a small red carpet. Everyone was to come dressed up. It was so fun. I was recovering from a neck surgery so it was nice to have my mind off of that. When I go back to La Veta we still talk about that party.

Enough about parties. Apparently work will have all the big time officers visiting all week. We have to be on our good behavior which night shift always are. I have to make sure my phone is turned down so if it rings in my ear pod I won’t scream. It comes through so loud it scares the crap out of me. Then I have to yell “No No, I don’t want to answer. We shall see if I get it all coordinated.

DENTIST APPOINTMENT

JANUARY 24, 2025

Do any of you have a fear of dentist. I don’t have a serious fear but I do when I know I’m going to get a shot at the top of my big tooth. Totally freaks me out. I went to the appointment in tears because my mouth is being so weird. I have 2 teeth that feel like they will pull out if I chew gum. Because we can’t talk at work much my mouth literally sticks together. Some of it due to dry mouth and some because I am clenching. I also struggle with CPAP machine. With all that going on I am getting a retainer next week. It should help with these issues. I don’t want to lose my teeth. I don’t want to wear false teeth. I don’t want missing teeth. My dentist says I’m doing okay but my dry mouth is causing cavities so I will tend to that.

Today is Denny’s 79th birthday. We are going to have a little get together at the house. We have new dining room table which will serve well. We are making chili, mini cinnamon bread and some spice cupcakes or something. I’m also going to buy alcohol free rum and make rum and cokes. We’ll see. First time to use it.

Weather should be a little warmer. It has been so cold. I’m worried about a couple of guys at work because I see them walking with not coats on. I need to check if they need coats. It was actually a painful cold.

Work going to well. Finally figuring some ins and outs of the process. It is a place with little “doing a good job”. They do tell you immediately if you make a mistake. It’s that kind of place. Repetitive work, if you just do what you are told, you’ll do fine. I think for some they don’t like they work and don’t care. Oh well.

Need to go get some sewing done.

BITTER COLD SATURDAY

JANUARY 18, 2025

Good morning. A bit of a racy mind. We are having a birthday party next Saturday so of course I am in deep cleaning mode. I generally need an excuses to get big projects like this done. I am trying this idea of 90 days. If you haven’t used it in 90 days and you don’t think you are going to use it 90 days, get rid of it. I have managed to go through 13 drawers so far. Today I’m tackling a small bathroom and my art studio. Daunting to say the least but it’s a good weekend to do it.

I will be so ready for this snow to melt but according to the weather man it may February. It’s interesting how disruptive it is. Now we aren’t bad because we are able to get out of our driveway and our roads are clear in our neighborhood. What is difficult is how many side roads are one lane only. My daughter is in an apartment complex where the snow has been plowed but most of the piles are blocking cars, blocking entrances out of their apartments. She has to walk over a snow drift just to get to her car or walk dogs. Speaking of dogs. We laid 2 towels on the deck so their paws would be somewhat protected. This morning I took them out and thought I’d pick up the towels and clean up some poop. Guess What! Everything was frozen solid to the cement. Oh well. This will be life for awhile.

Denny has begun his radiation!!! he has 32 to go. He is handling it well. It’s very quick. So far no adverse affects but he may feel some fatigue and maybe some little burns. Proud of him.

I am trying to make the big decision to get off of FB. It has become so annoying with the ads and bullshit. Sometimes I don’t know who even sees my posts. Our anniversary was a couple of weeks ago and had tons of comments so I think friends do see it. My new idea is to have a zoom meeting bi-weekly or monthly with friends. Hopefully find a convenient time and then whoever wants to catch up and chat we can do it from home. That seems easier than trying to see each other in person. Kind of like when the pandemic was happening.. Maybe it’s a stupid idea but surprisingly most of friends are busy even though we are retired somewhat.

The puppies are now down here. I may need to start going to the library for my writings. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be on my own in this house. I wouldn’t mind that he dogs are down here with me but generally there is a potty incident and then the clean up and the “bad dog”, get them upstairs and it just goes on and on. I truly feel like I have toddlers. Love them though. Pretty sweet photo of them sitting on the cot.

JANUARY 10, 2025

Seriously, I haven’t written since December 2!

That is so weird that it has been so long since I’ve written. Mmmm….what happened. Hooked on baking? Burnt out trying to write 30,000 words. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter.

Had a good December. Was in the Christmas mood all the time. My Festival of Trees was beautiful and I loved having it out front. It was so beautiful at night. Also had fun baking, baking, baking. Had some successes, some failures but it was really fun. I love my standing mixer. It does make the whole process fun. We had a very nice Christmas day with Billie, Kyler, Cade, Ellie, and KC. Such a change from past years. I love it so much. It was just a snack dinner so very easy.

Working is still going well and I still really like it. It’s been screwed up the last 2 weeks due to my stomach issues. I hate that. Also made some dog coats for the Street Dog. I need to make some more for next week. Hope to sew and finish an artsy quilt. It will be cool. I’m going to start another page to begin writing my first real story. It will be emotional but I think it will be very interesting. I want to investigate why I married my 2nd husband. We shall see if I figure it out.

Denny is starting his radiation. 2 down. He said it isn’t bad. He is feeling better after his open heart. I’m so glad about that. It was really hard on him.

It’s been a year since I was on Netflix the TRUST. What an emotional coaster it was. I’m glad I do feel better about the whole experience. The sad thing is that some got to attend some really cool Netflix events and some of us didn’t. Disappointing but it’s really okay now. One of my friends from the show is going to call and we’ll talk about it. That will be fun. Winnie and I still chat a couple of times of month.

Now it’s almost mid January my goals are simple. I want to continue to write and do my card readings. I am still okay not doing comedy. There was so much shenanigans the last few months. I didn’t do comedy do be upset, be dismissed, told opportunities are coming but they really weren’t. The last show really was the worst. I had booked the comics for a animal fundraiser. About a week before the show the shelter calls and asks if we can have another comic be the headliner. She told me she was from Ottawa so could bring in audience being from the town. It was annoying. But..I could understand that thought so we still did it. I get there and the comic is not from Ottawa. She was friends with another comic friend who was supposed to do the show but couldn’t. Then she tells me that the same friend will try to get her on a big time women’s comedy show. That show is in KC.With the combination of all of that I thought I’m over it. I had been told by a popular comedian a while back that he would book me. Of course that didn’t happen. All in all it’s all ok. It was a fun 4 years. One of my posts will be all the cool opportunities I had with my comedy career.

Oh my gosh this cold snap and snow has been very hard on our Zeke dog. We have been cleaning up his messes for days. thankfully he does do it on the hard floors. Tomorrow we’ll be able to get back walking the.

I am going to make several loaves of cinnamon bread. These will be thank you’s for all the volunteers. I worked with them sheltering dogs and working at warming centers. They opened up the shelters last weekend. I was so frustrated because I couldn’t get out because of ice. Then I couldn’t get out because of snow. Luckily, I had a ride to help. Finally, I was able to go to a shelter on Monday night.

That’s it for now!!

DECEMBER 2, 2024

IT’S DECEMBER!

It’s fun having a little snow on the ground for the season. Surprisingly it hasn’t melted because it’s so cold. 28 degrees right now. And guess who doesn’t like to go out and potty???

Zeke just digs his nose into all the snow like he’s a plow. Even on the chairs on the deck. He is sooooo funny and I love him so much. Bendi just does her thing.

Denny is just home from rehab exercise. He does it faithfully 3 times a week. I think he looks thinner! Guess who else is thinner. Me? 177. 5 lbs down. Hopefully it continues. I’m not obsessed just have changed a few things that I would eat every day. Kettle corn, Ritz crackers and Popsicle’s. I was eating these health looking Popsicle’s but didn’t realize how much sugar they had in them. 12 grams. Seriously I would eat 3 or 4 of them a day. I have eliminated these items for 7 weeks and just now seeing the results. Denny kept saying it will take a bit! It did.

Today I begin figuring out my Human Christmas cards. They will be cookies and a little sewn item. I’ve received my little Christmas boxes to put them in. I did this several years ago in La Veta. I had a slumber party at our condo on a snowy weekend. We made tons of cookies. Packaged them and then hand delivered them as a Human Card. It was so fun.

I don’t know if any of you are like this. On Friday I had lunch at Perkins. 1 egg, 2 pieces of bacon and 2 pancakes. It was really good. By the time I got home my stomach was so crampy. Then I was in so much pain in my stomach. I broke out in a huge sweat, seriously it was dripping off of me. Then I broke out in hives. The whole episode lasted about 2 hours. Then I took a benedryl and just laid down. Maybe today I will finally feel okay. That’s not a new thing for me. I have IBS. What I don’t understand is the severity of it and what actually caused so much pain. I don’t understand my silly body on any day. One day I feel great and the next day I’ll feel like shit. UGH!!! Today is a good day so far.

LAST DAY OF WRITING FOR NANO!!!

I did it. I stayed focused on writing for a month. I made it over 20,000 words. Some days I was short of my 1500 word goal. Some days I didn’t write. I was always thinking about writing. What did I achieve this month. Just 2 days ago I came up with a murder story!! Now I can focus on it.

Thanksgiving was a really great day for us. We had son KC, Daughter Billie, 2 grandsons and their girlfriends, 1 granddaughter. Denny made a delicious turkey and mashed potatoes. Billie brought green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole and homemade rolls. I made my Pumpkin Delight which was delightfully rich. We had so much fun, so much laughter, so much conversation! No cellphones. It was just perfect which is wonderful for this crew.

I am so thankful for my new way of life. I didn’t know how freeing it is to not have my mind on “you gotta finish this, you gotta start that, gotta have it done tomorrow!” It is wonderful. I listened to a podcast yesterday about this crazy need to be incredibly busy. I have been this way for 60 years. When I was able to get jobs, I wasn’t happy with one job, I needed 2. My parents always wondered why I was that way. There were many similarities with Julia Henning. She came from a privileged background. She felt the need to work extra hard to prove she wasn’t given everything. I wasn’t from privileged home but very middle class. My dad was from a wealthy family in NYC. He was very privileged. My mom was from Melvern, KS. Very small town 40 minutes from Topeka. We moved back to Topeka when I was in 4th grade and lived in Highland Park. That was the name of all my schools. My mom was a psychiatric nurse with the VA. My dad worked for the state. I had the BEST bedroom as a teenager. My beds were called Hollywood beds. I don’t know why. No head or foot boards. My grandmother Betty, (privileged), had beautiful royal blue spreads made for the beds. They looked like sofas. I had a TV, my own bathroom, turquoise princess phone, built in bookcase with a collapsible desk that folded down. It was a really beautiful room when it was not a big mess. (I was not a neat teenager) The back door to the house was outside my bedroom door. That was very handy when I was coming home after a party that maybe I had too much to drink. Compared to my friends bedrooms it was like an apartment. I always had everything I needed. The in-style clothes, 501 Levi’s, shoes, a car. Did I feel better than everyone else? No. My parents thought they were. It was covert but it was true. My friends parents were all friendly to me. My parents would be so uppity and not visit with mine. I do think some of my need to work hard was to prove that I needed to. Did I? Maybe. Back then, it was cool to have a job. Now it doesn’t seem that way. Most of my friends had jobs of some kind. With all that being said, I have now entered a phase of a quieter brain. I have my little job, my artsy stuff, and Denny and puppies and kitty. It feels very fulfilling and wonderful to me right now. Maybe Denny’s heart surgery was a little eye opening. I can’t imagine what shape my heart is in with all the stress I have put on it over the years. Maybe I’ve added a couple of years to my life??

It just feels good.

NOVEMBER 24, 2024

COMEDY PART 2 AND REALITY SHOW THE TRUST

There was a lot of controversial moments regarding sexism, race, homophobia. At one point I just lost it. Why don’t the directors stop this??? I would push back, make a stance. It caused a couple of huge fights which actually shut down production. I finally said I need to go.     Let’s talk about this for a bit. I had spent the last 2 years surrounding myself with positivity, avoiding toxic situations. I was busy writing comedy and performing. We had moved into a house and that was busy unpacking once again and getting resettled. I was also a part time travel agent and doing some traveling. I was very excited about doing this show which was a big secret for several months. I didn’t have any expectations. Just going to do it.

I had been with the show for 2 weeks. 3 people had been kicked off the show. My last 2 days had been tough. I actually was taken to another part of the house. It was air conditioned, they brought me a cool drink, talked to me. We talked about my reactions to some of what was being talked about that upset me. Eventually the director, Netflix woman, a psychiatrist on the phone and staff were all talking to me. I’m sure they were very aware of what was going on. I said I would stay on. The next day was so eerie. I would walk into a room and the others would leave. I was talking to one of the women. I told her something and immediately I realized she had been going behind my back the whole time. It was truly a devastating moment. It took me these 2 weeks to figure out what the hell was going on. These are not friends, they are contestants and they don’t care about me at all. There was a contest that evening and I lost. It was all I could do to not just sit there and cry. Being the loser took me into the vault. What a cool room it was. There was a book with the offer. $25,000 would be mine if I left immediately. I took the offer. It was very clandestine.  I had to be interviewed, then we had to go to my room and get packed. There were 4 of us doing it quickly. By this time it’s 2 am! I get in the van and it’s 2 hours back to the resort. I was in shock. Actually I was in shock for several weeks. It was a relief to leave. Winnie and Tolu had told the staff to tell me goodbye and they loved me. That felt nice.  We had signed a contract to not contact each other until the show was on. I followed this rule because they would take the prize money away. It was disappointing to see that this rule wasn’t followed by everyone and even thought it was publicized there was contact they still had their money. Once again. Nothing was real.

Now for the embarrassing part of this whole being on a reality show. I was given so much positive feedback while on the island. I thought the staff loved me. I had fun with the guys putting on our mics. I was funny, ha ha with funny comments. I was a pain when it came to food because it was all weird and half the time I didn’t know what it was. After a few days they brought in some hamburgers and fries and I began eating again. Thankfully this wasn’t a huge alcohol driven setting. There were many celebrations that involved clicking the glasses. Woo hoo, cheers. I finally did say is it impossible to put some ginger ale in my glass. One time 2 of the ladies did a yoga class outside which was nice. I don’t do yoga well because I have no flexibility. Zero. I participated, just couldn’t do a lot of the moves. The interviewers asked me if I didn’t do the entire class because I was upset. I told them no, I’m just unable to do all of it. I was far from perfect during the process. 

When I arrived home there were a few people I could talk about the show to but it was hard to explain. It was hard to talk about the emotional toll it took on me. Denny thankfully did understand and he was great. Anxiety became a big issue. I began therapy and added another med for anxiety. What was bugging me so. What would I look like on the tv show. Did everyone hate me. It went on and on for months. Therapy and the medication did help but it didn’t totally disappear. 

Since I was not familiar with reality shows, I really was clueless what I had signed up for. I’m not aware of what this show may mean for some. I do know I was the only one that didn’t understand that the people I was meeting and spending time with were not real. They were playing characters to achieve their goals. Number one goal was the money. Number 2 goal was to be discovered. I have spent 2024 reliving this show. What I know now is that these shows are all about social media followers. More followers equals more chances of some kind of fame. That might be another show. That might be getting invited to Netflix parties. That might mean invites to actually be on red carpets. Seriously. None of this was even in my wheelhouse….until it was!

The show premiered in January 2024. It ran 3 episodes, 3 episodes, and 2 in 3 weeks. I had a watch party for the first night. I had a great crowd and party. We watched 2 episodes. To see myself on TV was an emotional roller coaster all over the place. My clothes, my weight, my hair, my wrinkles, my belly… The self doubt went on and on. I had not idea what would happen online. My friend Dale and i spent days and days finding new articles about the show, about me, about the others. It was fascinating. I will say I was mostly loved, but also was considered a bitch. I was not playing a character to try to become famous. I played myself which everyone agrees. 

The aftermath of the show was weird. I was on several podcasts for reality shows. I am embarrassed to say I cried on most of them. Omgeee. What a goof ball. I was flown out to California for a couple of days. They interviewed each of us. Had professional make up. They all said they loved me. I cried during the interviews. They put me and Winnie together. I was okay with everyone except Jake. All the cast knew who he really was, It was shocking. I really am surprised that he was picked but apparently they wanted some like that participating. I think that because of him there wasn’t more that happened regarding the show. When social media discovered who he really was it blew up. So there ya go. Bad guy can still win. 

I was excited to do my comedy shows with a whole set about being on a reality show. How disappointing it was to see how many people did not watch the show. It became a set about nobody watching it. I am the unknown reality show star. A few nice things happened locally from being on the show. Some young men included me in their podcast and I was featured in a video song about Topeka. A comedy friend in Omaha had me come up for a couple of days. I was on a local tv show interviewing other comedians which was really fun. I will say this. If someone does recognize me they are really excited. Mama J!! It is fun and I am finally okay just being where I am regarding being on the show. I had my share of fantasizing about what I wish might have happened. Tolu has hit the big time and I know this was a goal for her. Julie is still in the news off and on and I know this was a big event for her. She has worked really hard to get where she is. I saw the cowboy on a red carpet recently for a fundraiser. Wounded warrior event I think. Winnie is doing big things in Houston and working hard on getting her brand out there.  It was an exciting moment in my life even though there were some struggles but I am thankful I can finally be okay with it. 

NOVEMBER 18, 2024

COMEDY LIFE and REALITY SHOW PART 1

Alright then. Figured out how to insert photos!! As you can see I have a lot of comedy friends. I began the journey in January 2021. We were still in the pandemic, so all of my classes were zoom. I began with American Institute of Comedy out of NYC. Stephen Rosenfeld was the coach. There would be 10 students in a class. We would start writing our jokes immediately. Many of us were first timers. We all had our stories and would make a 5 minute set eventually. We would work with Stephen one on one twice in the 2 week class. At the end of each session there would be an online show and people could sign in and watch. It was fun. I continued the classes with Stephen for 4 months. One of the students was from Pittsburgh, KS! Regina. We have become great friends, and I have done several shows with her in Pittsburgh. Another person I became close with is Joel Marshall. He had this set about serial killers in Oregon. I liked his routine so much. I messaged him in February and told him that. He told me about his Lunch Therapy podcast. I began watching it and now I’m a co-host when needed. We have met in person twice. Once in Ojai, CA and in Hollywood. He is an actor, director and wears many hats. I have met many friends through him. His wife is Kamala. She is a brilliant woman who is president of Equal means Equal. She works nonstop for human rights and getting the Equal Rights Amendment published. She’s also an actor and director. I continued to take online classes with different coaches from all over the country. There were also skit writing classes, acting classes, improv and traveled to Las Vegas for a live class.

Joke Zoom was my next class that I did for 2 1/2 years with Rob Cioffi. Guess who else was in those classes? Regina! Rob was a wonderful coach. Every week there was a class every day. He would have special training’s. At first it was all for FREE! What?? He offered so much and asked for nothing in return. Soooo many budding comedians from all over the world. In November of 2021 Regina and I met up in New York City! I took Amtrak from Topeka and she flew in. We had a hotel 1/2 block from Union Station. We were so good at taking the subway, walking the city. busses. It was just the best trip. We performed at the Gotham club. We did open mics all over the city. I took the bus over to New Jersey and met Navi in person!! It was so fun meeting her and her family. Our connection was India. When we first met, we had so many funny conversations about our first impressions of our countries. Rob and Tim even took the trains from Staten Island to see us perform at the Gotham. That was an honor to meet Rob. Our NYC friends asked us to early Thanksgiving dinner in Staten Island. We took the train to attend that. Fun to meet everybody from our classes. Karen, Donna, Allyson, Linda, Helene, Heather, Tracey, Ellen,. To this day we are always in touch. Unfortunately, Rob died a year ago this month. Died in his sleep. It was devastating news. I still cry when I think of him. He was the best person for all he gave to all of us. Comedy is all about mentoring, supporting, encouraging, listening, loving, crying, and being happy for all the successes.

Comedy has enriched my life. It is more diverse, interesting, and educational. Even though I am the oldest woman around many of the comedians, the younger ones keep me young. I feel accepted and I enjoy being around all of them.

Denny and Becky were my traveling support people. Becky and I had so much fun driving to KC for open mic’s. All over the city. One time I think it was 2 am before we were home. The VFW in Topeka was a great place to perform. It was like a speakeasy. Smoke everywhere, fried catfish, drinks. Becky told her Dad that we went there. He said “don’t ever go back there again!. Someone was murdered in the parking lot last week! ” I thought “I’m so living the comedy life!!” When performing it’s important to video your sets. Let me tell you, I have some crazy ones. Not of me performing but the errors of the video taker. Becky could always be heard laughing and sometimes cuing me. For instance, there would be no recording because the button wasn’t pushed. I have a great one of ashtrays, my butt, drinks on a table and me from the waist down. To this day I don’t think I have a really good performance tape. Topcity Comedy is a Topeka group of comedians. Apparently before the pandemic they would have weekly comedy in downtown Topeka. They are now in the process of rebuilding. I have many good memories working with them. Vicki and Dan work tirelessly getting it back. They put on Who’s the Funniest in Topeka contests. The best I did was place 2nd which was fun. I also have been part of a group call the Midwest Queens of Comedy. I LOVE performing with them and audiences love us.

I met a lady comedian in Kansas City. Joel had me interview her for Lunch Therapy. Kim. Kim is also a casting person in Hollywood. January 6, 2023 I received a message from her that said Apply for this Now!!! I was playing Mahjong at the time so I just went “Mmmmm” Interesting. I filled out the questionaire and the the next thing I knew my phone was ringing and receiving messages. It was crazy! I was being considered for a reality show!! For the next 2 months I did interviews. Finally, toward the end of February I was accepted. I had a clothing person contact me to go over my clothes selection. (If you have watched the show you’ll see I didn’t understand the concept of seriously dressing up.) I didn’t know where I was going until 2 days before I left. Dominican Republic. I could not tell anyone at all or I would lose my chance to be there. Off I go on March 2, 2023. So much secrecy. So much alone time. I was picked up at the Dominican airport and taken to a resort. I still don’t know where I was. I spent 2 days in the room, unable to go anywhere by myself. Food would be delivered to my room and anything else I needed. I was able to be escorted to the beach twice. They even put tape over the peep hole. Not being a reality show watcher, I spent my time watching Big Brother to get a feel of what I was in for. Little did I know I was clueless to everything happening. The first day I was sent for interviews. I was blindfolded and taken somewhere. We were not allowed to know where we were. I did the blindfold ride twice. The day of moving to the place happened on the 3rd day. We had to give up our phones, Ipads, books, writing pads, and pens I was blindfolded once again. Once at the destination we were led blindfolded and then told to sit down. Then… they took the blindfold off. It was so beautiful. The ocean!! and to the right and left of me other people. Little did I know how dramatic my time there was going to be.

NOVEMBER 15, 2024

MY BROTHER JOHN

I have started writing 2 times since yesterday. Today may be a bunch of rambling.  I will also be putting together a picture gallery I hope to go along with my other posts. I’m slowly figuring out my way around posting on WordPress. I like it, but it’s easy to screw it all up  

It’s a cloudy fall Sunday. Rain is on its way. It has been a wild week of me overdoing. The good thing is I’m down to my last obligation and it’s my festival of the trees.  It has to be done next weekend, delivered and set up in all its glory. I am very happy how it’s coming together. Last night my plan was to cut out my tree skirt . It’s the beautiful fabric of the northern lights. Sugar just had to help by planting herself right on top of it. Rats, so I went to the garage with ornaments I had made to put on the tree. The back door doesn’t shut all the way. So who was trying to squeeze her way into the garage??? Sugar Kitty.I decided to give up on the process and write instead. Guess who decided to help with that process. This led me to look up why cats interrupt when I’m working on projects. It said they want all the attention. Our times together are in the evenings so maybe she does think this time is all about her. It’s okay for a minute but not for 4 hours. 

Saturday I went to Hair Chic for a pop up event for people with alopecia, hair loss issues. It was a small group but one lady has been in the process of hair loss since last March. I am surprised how many stories I have heard about hair loss due to stress!! It is a real thing. I did ask if the hair came back. When there is hair loss with stress, the hair follicles get damaged with that process. It was sad hearing what happened to cause the stress. I was happy to be there and hopefully the group will grow.

Let’s talk about the Festival of the Trees. I am doing Northern Lights. It’s very exciting watching it evolve. There will be a comet shooting through the tree too. I’m really happy about that. This exhibit supports S L I. Success Learning Inclusion. They advocate for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. They provide sheltered living and assist those who are able to work and be part of the community.  

My brother John lived in sheltered living from age 15 until he passed away at age 66. He was a ward of the state of Missouri. Missouri had a very successful system for the disabled. We were very lucky that John was able to get in on the ground floor. He began his journey at the age of 15. Up until that time he went to the same school as me and was in the special ed classes. There were several of my friends  who had siblings in those classes. Unfortunately teenage hormones came into play. John became very sexually inappropriate. He also became very mean toward me. When we would be home by ourselves we would get in terrible fights. He would get a big knife and truly wanted to kill me. I cannot tell you how many times I ran out the house screaming and running. (I find this interesting from earlier writings about me running from my husband! Mmmm) My parents made the decision to move him out of the home. He went to Parsons State Hospital which had a new program to help the disabled to work, count money, do their laundry. It worked well. At the age of  18 or 21 he became a ward of Missouri. He moved several times around the state. His last place was in Monett, MO. Thankfully there were good people who would know when it was time for John to be moved. His jobs would be at workshops and he would clean churches and nursing homes. That is until he would get in trouble. Once again his sexual inappropriateness or anger would get him fired. Many of his issues would be compromised by medications. Every time he would get a new case worker they would change his meds. My parents would tell them “you really don’t want to do that”, The caseworker would soon learn that my parents were right. My brother and I had a rocky relationship until we were in our 50’s. I was actually a trigger for him and him for me. I didn’t see him for many years. The few times we did were weird. I had my kids and when they were young they could not be around him because of his issues. It was hard. It was sad. As we both got older, I could stop by his place in Monett, MO to say hit. His needs were minimal. Take him to Burger King for a diet Pepsi. John had cystic acne and his face was terribly scarred. I felt like he would be stared at when we went places. He could talk and he was loud like me! He couldn’t say his L’s but everything else was pretty good. He also was OCD. His room was always neat and tidy and everything had it’s place. His daily routines were the same. His restaurant visits were also the same. The town of Monett was very kind to the many handicapped adults that lived in their town. His last 3 weeks of his life were very difficult. I still  cry about it. My oldest sister was his guardian. She had been called to the hospital in Monett because John was sick. I’m still not sure what was said to her but I think she was told that he had cancer and she should take him home to spend his last days. She couldn’t do that and had him transported to Springfield, MO to the hospital. He became extremely sick and my other sister and I flew in to see what was happening. By the time we arrived he was healing. After a few days he was back in a regular room and they were going to send him back to his place. Mmmmm…..what happened to the serious disease he had? Everything felt very confusing all of a sudden. John was being a little strange with his comments to the nurses. Not mean but just saying things like “hey do you want to play golf?” Everytime he moved he would say “ow ow ow ow”. I asked where his pain was and he said his back. John did have prostate cancer but it was slow growing. I asked the doctor if we could have some x rays taken because he seems uncomfortable in his back. The X Ray showed that cancer had eaten away some of his vertebra. What the hell? Again my mind is racing and I don’t know where some disconnects have happened. The decision was made to move to the same facility where my mother was. He could have hospice.there. I wasn’t okay with this idea but we had to move quickly. We had him settled in a room. It was barren. I was going to spend the night there. I actually slept on the floor for a few nights. Don’t ask me why they couldn’t bring in a recliner sooner than they did. John  wasbeing treated by a hospice nurse, but not in the way I had been around before. I mentioned my mother lived in this place.  Basically it was a place for those who have dementia. My mother didn’t have that. This is a part of my story where I begin to really be very disappointed in my mother. She only took the time to visit my brother twice while he was there. Her nose was out of joint because attention was going to him and not her. I will say my emotions were getting out of control and my anger was seething. There were disagreements about making John get out of bed during the day. I didn’t want him to have to go through that pain but was overruled. Enough of my bitching. What happened in those nights together were the sweetest talks we had. We were able to tell each other how much we loved each other. He really appreciated me being there with him. I was happy to be there too. I will never forget those chats. We were finally able to get him out of that awful place and into a really nice hospice in Bentonville. Finally all the craziness of what was really happening calmed down. One of my sisters was there and we took turns being with John. He spent one night there. The next morning we talked a little bit but I could tell something was happening. He began the rattle noise of the end being impending. I called for a nurse. She came in. Checked him out and said. “Oh this is normal, he could go like this for a week or so”. I didn’t argue but he was my 5th end of life person I had been with. She called the CNAs in and they changed his sheets and gown. I went back in and John’s eyes were crystal blue. He was looking at something up at the ceiling. I took his hand and said “you don’t have to feel this pain anymore. You can go and see Dad now. It’s okay.” I had my hand on his heart and he passed away. This was 25 minutes after the nurse said it wasn’t his time yet. My brother had a loving funeral. Many of his friends from his workshops were there. His preacher from his church did the service and he loved John. My mother did not come to his funeral. She could have. There was no physical reason for her not to be there.. I was so disappointed in her. This ends this story about my brother. What a true blessing to care for him, be with him at the end. Finally we could be with each other in peace.

WORKING WITH THE UNSHELTERED AND THEIR PETS

I love volunteering. I have been involved with so many groups over the years.I do have to be careful not to get involved in too many at a time. My two missions right now are Street Dog and Festival of Trees. Festival is just for a short time each year. Street Dog works twice a month. It is such an ambitious group. We work in conjunction with Mobile Access Partnership. Street Dog handles the unsheltered and their pets. We provide veterinary care, pet food and supplies, medications. We encourage all the animals to be spayed or neutered. The client needs to be homeless. They are directed to a social worker. What is great about the program is they need to follow some guidelines in order to have their animal treated. They must be actively trying to get housing, be employed and work with case workers. If they don’t have their pet spayed or neutered, they can only have 2 visits. The social workers know what questions to ask to so not to be tricked by people who are just trying to get services. It is a rewarding mission but can also make you question why they have pets. The hypocrisy of being homeless and having pets is always questioned. Pets are good for our souls no matter what our living conditions are. 99% of these pets we see are taken care of and loved. If there seems to be an issue between the owner and their pet, it is dealt with by the social workers. Abuse of the animals is not tolerated. 

The Salvation Army generously lets us see clients in their facility during the winter. Mobile Access Partnership volunteers every week on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They are a powerful group. Their services are: showers, laundry, 2 meals, phones, identification cards, and social workers to help with any issues. The laundry is dropped off on one of those days and then returned the next week. Scotch Cleaners takes care of the laundry!. There is also a clothing trailer where the clients can get clothes, socks, underwear, shoes, belts. I can’t imagine how good a shower feels after being outside for several days. It’s nice that now I know several of the clients and I love visiting with them. Stormont Vail Hospital provides a bus with 2 nurses. 

Who are our unsheltered. Several have some form of mental issues. There is some schizophrenia, anger issues, depression and anxiety. Some of them may have a job but still live in their cars or tents. I heard recently that medical crisis’s caused many to lose everything. One lady I talk to loves to live in her then on the river. She’s in her 3rd year. I work with a man who is still homeless. He lives in his car with his dog. The place we work will furnish clothing! They are called a 2nd chance company and will hire those coming out of jail, drug rehab places and people who are trying to get back on their feet. I find that to be a very loving company

The sad part of this mission is learning that one has committed suicide or murdered!. They live in dangerous areas at times. There does seem to be conflicts at times. They also suffer when the city comes through and bulldozes their places. Topeka is trying to do a new concept. The city will find out about the plan soon. There are several organizations that provide services. It’s very hard to go hungry in this town with all that is available. I would love to know how many steps are taken in a day due to all the walking they all do.

I don’t remember seeing a group with so many dedicated volunteers. Does not seem to be a lot of turnover. I have made some wonderful friends.

When I was in my teens my parents didn’t want me sitting around in the summer. My first volunteering was being a candy striper through the Red Cross. For orientation I remember going to Forbes for the meeting. I sat 

Next to a girl who may have been a little older than me. (Did I bring my own cigarettes, or did I borrow some from her?? All I remember about that orientation is smoking and then being really sick to my stomach for the rest of the night. What a weird memory) I volunteered at Memorial  Hospital which was once known as the Santa Fe Hospital. I worked with elderly patients (like I am now) . I would wash and put rollers in their hair. Bring drinks and snacks. I was a huge customer of our local bus service. I could take the bus to the hospital. 

My next volunteer mission was after the June 8 tornado. I was president of the local Y-teens. I was called a couple of days after the tornado from volunteers who were sorting clothing for the people who lost everything. I called a few friends and we spent the day sorting clothes. My memory is of a church in North Topeka. In a basement. A huge room with tables full of clothes. I think we just did it for one day.

My brother was mentally handicapped. TARC which is an organization who helps the mentally challenged. They had a day camp at Lake Shawnee. I spent a week there with my brother. The only thing I remember is we were in a canoe with an adult. Brother John and I. A praying mantis was on the canoe. The counselor was telling us about the bug. I think he was holding it and handed it to me. I screamed and I think it drowned in the lake. The counselor got really really mad at me! To this day I’m very nice to praying mantis.

I am finding that as I begin my 1500 word theme memories just come flooding in my brain. I like that.

Tonight I’m doing my last comedy performance for now. There will be 4 comedians performing for Ottawa, KS animal shelter. I’m hosting and will be Sugar Kitty.  I have a new mask for my eyes. Last time I was Sugar Kitty all my stick on whiskers fell off. I like being Sugar Kitty. She’s pretty irreverent and talks badly about Mama J.

With all that being written I need to sew up some more ornaments for my Festival of the Trees. 

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 13, 2024

INDIA AND DR. SAMUELS

I missed my Tuesday writing time! I was in a cleaning out the refrigerator mood. Before I knew it I had to get to work.I visited India twice. 2007 and 2017. The first time was on a church mission and the 2nd time with my friend Judi. They were different trips but saw both sides of India.

In 2007 5 ladies from the La Veta Methodist Church went on a mission trip to Namakkal, India. Namakkal is a village with a million people! It was also the truck route for several highways. India truck stops provide several services for the truckers, including prostitution. Unfortunately the drivers began bringing HIV virus home to their wives. Soon many children were also born with the virus. India culture punished the wives and not the husbands. When it was discovered the wife had the virus she was banished from the home. There was no place to go except fend for herself. Many of children died. In 2007 Dr Samuels came to the village and opened a clinic for these families affected.

Our mission was to visit Namakkal and discover what the needs for the clinic were and learn about the culture. We were told to dress modestly for this trip. Due to restrictions of the country we were never to say we were on a mission trip. Dr. Samuels met us Chennai. We took a train to Spring India. Thankfully we were in car that had seats and were comfortable. The rest of the train was packed with hundreds of travelers. I had to use the bathroom once and it was quite and adventure walking through so many men and their offers to help. We were served food on the train which I declined because I didn’t want any tummy issues on a train. After departing the train, a driver picked us up. Experiencing that drive of an hour with dodging in and out of traffic and constant horn honking had me praying to survive. The dropped us off a Hotel Namakkal. It was beautiful. Dr. Samuels was our interpreter. The only word I knew was Namaste. I loved the young staff and how they were trying to learn English. Our rooms were plain but had everything we needed. It even had a toilet which I was glad because I had been peeing in holes in the ground! It was strange looking out the window and watch the kitchen staff washing dishes in a bucket!! MMmmmmmm…watch out my sensitive tummy. I soon discovered that the only food I would eat was garlic chicken and rice idly’s. Dairy would immediately cause sickness. We found out why when we visited a dairy to see milk wasn’t pasteurized. Waiters in the restaurant were wonderful. What I didn’t know was that you don’t tip in Namakkal. Well, I was tipping generously. When I first arrived there was 1 Pepsi bottle in the fridge. By the time I left it was full of Pepsi’s. The power of a rupee.

Our first visit to the clinic we were treated like royalty. Lei’s were placed around our necks. A feast of rice and items that I had no idea what they were. We ate on the floor with banana leaves as place mats!! Truly I loved rural India. We met several families and heard their stories about the illnesses.

Visiting the AIDS ward at the hospital was eye opening. The hospital had no windows or screens. Iron beds and no fancy up and down buttons. Family could stay with the patients. They would sit and sleep on the floor. The room was kept very clean but was off limits to public. Having a baby in this hospital is very primitive. The woman would lay on a metal table. No sheets or blankets! After the babies are born they are in a room with 1 bed. Due to no screens and a fly protector like we use at picnics. Shocking at first but realized it was a good idea. Family could be present and everyone was sitting on the floor. We visited families in their homes. Many had no friends because they were ostracized by their family and neighbors. I loved the welcoming atmosphere of every place we visited. Offers of tea and cookies were always offered. Plastic chairs would be unstacked for our seating. Minimalist at it’s best. (When I got home I vowed I would have a whole room of plastic chairs. I didn’t. I also thought I would trim my clothing to just 5 outfits or just wear sari’s). I did promise myself to come home and be filled with the love that I felt in this Hindu community. Kindness with nothing expected in return. I still try to do this.

When people in the states talk about poverty, it is sometimes compared to laziness, drugs, alcohol, and not wanting to work. Namakkal is third world poverty. Sewage run in the open in ditches built for that. Goats would be hanging in trees being skinned. We visited homes that were made of thatch. The untouchables. India is not supposed to still have a caste system, but the villages still do. We cleaned a families home that had a huge hole in the roof. The group had come with donations so we began the process of rebuilding this home. Unfortunately our generosity caused many headaches for Dr Samuels. Eventually the home was completed. This brought controversy from the neighbors. Why did this family deserve this help? They did not know that the father had AIDS, his wife had died from it and his son had the virus. I helped this family for several years. Many fun fundraising events. Golf tournaments and bicycling 2000 miles to raise $20,000. I donate to the Center for Health and Hope.

I returned to India in 2016 with my friend Judi. Her husband is an engineer and ran a company in Mumbai. They owned an apartment right in the city. Totally different atmosphere in Mumbai. Very modern. Lots of Americans. Food chains. More English was spoken. Judi and her husband lived on the 26th floor. One could still hear the honking of the vehicles that high up. Horns were used instead of blinkers. The engineering company volunteered for many causes. We visited each of them. We spent a morning at a Government hospital. Specifically the children’s cancer ward. There was a gigantic room filled with iron cribs/beds. I could see the children connected to their drug infusions. The parents were all sitting on the floor. I was able to hold some of the children. Many of the families traveled hours to come for their treatment. None had their own cars so they would travel by trains or walk! Several families were sitting on the hallway floors waiting for their turn for their child to get treated. There was a volunteer organization that provided milk, food boxes, and water for them. They could be there for hours and hours. The other mission we visited was the safe house for sex trafficed girls. The stories they shared were horrifying. Many of them looked very young. The younger looking the better for the traffickers. The home had guards and dogs. They also were connected to a police group who would notify the home that a young girl was seen at a hotel. The home would send an undercover man to the hotel. He would visit the girl 3 times telling her who he was and if they wanted to leave to the safe house. Not all wanted too. In the safe house the girls slept 4 to a bunk bed! 2 on top and 2 on the bottom. There rooms divided into different training sessions, Beauty, nails, jewelry making and sewing. The girls were all busy. I don’t know the ratio of successes but I hope it’s many. Judi and I flew to Namakkal overnight so I could see Dr. Samuels. His mission was continuing. We visited a center in the Kolli Hills for mothers and their babies. They were provided nutrition, clothing, and diapers for their babies. It was a good day to visit as there were many babies. It was wonderful to see Dr. Samuels and see some of the families were still helping. Judi and flew back to Mumbai by way of Chennai. Flying Indian airlines is an experience just with the food. Indian food is way tooo spicy for me, That is what was served on the flight.

My take aways from seeing 2 sides of India. Southern India is plush with trees and greenery. Hinduism is practices along with other Christian religions. The kindness overwhelmed me with joy. Mumbai was like any big cities, Wealth, shops, services, chain restaurants, plenty of supplies for everyone. It was beautiful and noisy. I especially liked the harbor where the English came to India. There are the slums. Huge slums. Thousands of them. I learned that just because one lives in a slum doesn’t necessarily mean they are poor. They higher their little slum went, the richer they were. Very hard workers.

There you a go. One version of my India visits. There is more to tell but at another time. Here is hoping that Dr Samuels, who has had a stroke, is not in pain and can feel the love I send him for all he has done for this world.

MONDAY NOVEMBER 11, 2024

WRITING AT MIDNIGHT

I really want to start writing by 10 pm if I haven’t written during the day. But tonight has been a shit show with Sugar Kitty. On my lap, on my head, losing my earbud, sitting on my laptop keys. Now it is 12:05 and I’m watching Sugar Crush baking show. I have just about finished all of the baking shows. Denny and Billie have been concerned that I’m going to begin to be a baker. I have assured them I am not. What they don’t know is I did buy a stand up mixer!! There are a couple of recipes that you have to beat something for 10 minutes. I would not be able to do that with a hand mixer. The mixer is still in the box. I really need to find a place to put it.

Is it possible for me to write and not fixate on issues regarding spacing. Can I not just type and worry about the spacing tomorrow!! Jeez Jay stop it.

I have been treated for my skin issues by getting inside a UV light tube twice a week. I’m also taking Metotraxate which is use for many ailments. NAC is another medication that I am taking daily which is for skin issues. Is any of it working?? Maybe. I don’t know. I feel like my back is really breaking out. It is a little painful leaning my back on a chair at work. I also have issues on my butt. Embarassing to talk about. I am wondering if I break out there because I’m sitting for 5 hours at work.? Pressure break outs? I’m a little tired of my weird issues. It stirs up my hypochondria. I’m sure this is really a form of cancer. Remember how a cancer used to be about sores that don’t heal?? Well I definitely have that. My dermatologist did some weird blood work. Tested my for Hepatitis, TB, and some other different tests. I trust him. Unfortunately the medicine that would probably really take of this mess is wayyyyy too expensive.

Enough about my weird skin. Denny will have his heart rehab orientation tomorrow. I am so glad he finally gets to go do that. Interesting story. Two weeks ago, my friend in Colorado told her husband he needed to get his heart checked. He was complaining of some chest pain. They went to the ER. He did a stress test and he flunked it big time. His numbers were so bad that they airlifted him to Colorado Springs. He had 99% blockage and they put a stent in. Fast forward to this past weekend. La Veta had a huge snowstorm. Lots of snow coming down from their roof. He had a lot of shoveling to do. If that snow had happened 2 weeks ago, he probably would have had a heart attack from shoveling.!! I’m thinking God was keeping an eye on the weather.

My favorite days in La Veta were the big snow days. We had a beautiful home with passive solar. The whole front of the home was floor to ceiling windows. We had an unobstructed view of the Spanish Peaks and Sangre de Cristos mountain range. Snow storms would come over the mountains. They would be clouded in for days at times. Our kitchen was open. I would like to bake pies when it snowed like that. Denny would be shoveling the driveway, sidewalks and the dog yard.

We had a beautiful German Shepherd named Mocha. We bought him from a breeder. He was such a fun puppy. Something happened to him while we lived in Topeka. He had a big fenced yard and dog door into the garage. One day a friends little boy came over. He had been around Mocha several times. He went outside to see him and Mocha went crazy. Growling, barking. It was awful. We had a little girl that lived next door. We are wondering if she did something to him. Poked him with a stick? Threw rocks at him? We never knew. Our Mocha went from a really fun dog to an aggressive one. We had to be careful if company was at the house. Adults could be with him, not little kids. We moved to La Veta CO in 2000. Before we moved in Denny built a privacy fence next to our house. Mocha could see us at night in our bedroom. He had a big dog house. Denny would walk him twice a day always on a leash. One walk they were attacked by 3 Wolf Hounds. It was terrifying for Denny and Mocha. When they got home Mocha’s eye was bleeding. He would need eye drops for the rest of his life. The owner of the Wolf Hounds said he was sorry and would pay for HALF of the Vet bill. Half?? What an asshole he was. There were 2 more incidents with unleashed dogs attacking them on walks. Mocha could only be around us. We tried to let him be inside but he was a true patrol dog and just wouldn’t relax. He did have a couple of friends. A deer and a skunk!! The skunk would come in the yard at night and eat some of his dog food. Mocha would just watch him calmly. In 2002 we were in a severe drought. There were starving black bears all over town. We had non potable water in our cistern because our spring had dried up. The bears were in the garbage, breaking into homes, and roaming around all the time. One night I came home. I could hear Mocha barking, barking, barking. I also heard crunch, crunch, crunch. How could Mocha be barking and eating. Then I knew!! BEAR…. When I screamed the bear busted out the privacy fence and ran right by me. By now, I’m sure Mocha had a form of PTSD. In 2007 we decided to move into our motorhome fulltime. We sold our home and put belongings into storage. We also had made the painful decision to put Mocha down. He was too unpredictable to be in an RV park or traveling anywhere. Thankfully one of our friends LOVED Mocha. He offered to take him home to his mountain home. Mocha lived 4 more years free of fences. Our friend took such good care of him. We were so sad. We love our pets and that was our hardest decision. But…we didn’t put him down.

Denny was a German Shepherd guy. He had them years. After Mocha, we never had any large dogs. We had little mix breeds. Hugger, Rinky, Meeko, Jumper, Bendi and Zeke. We also had cats. Jordy, Merky and Max. It was 15 years before we had another cat and that is Sugar Kitty.

That’s my story for tonight. It’s almost 1 am and I have to get to bed.

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 10, 2024

WHY DOES EVERYTHING REGARDING COMPUTERS TAKE ME HOURS TO DO?

November 8, 2024

I am exhausted. I have been in the now less musty basement for 2 1/2 hours. Why? I have put links on my instagram and facebook but when I check they don’t work. Then….I have menus on my site which name what the writing is about. ie..Sugar Kitty, Essays etc… I have finally put them in order and deleted stuff where they weren’t supposed to be. Jeez. I think I can now just post and quit worrying about it all.

It’s a really nice Sunday. Our lawn is covered with leaves. Our friend Bruce is going to mulch them for us. We need to let them dry. Denny wants to wait until the maples drop their leaves first. I really like fall. I like to hear the wind in the trees. Zeke runs around in the backyard and leaps in them. He also likes to bring them into the house and eat them.

Yesterday our friends Reggie and Lance came over and put together a cabinet for us. How great was that. Several of our friends have done very nice things for Denny. Bruce installed handrails in the shower. Larry made boards to raise up the bed we used in the living when Denny first got home. Larry and Torrie came over 1 evening when I was going to be away and stayed with him. Carl an Konnie also stayed with him when I was gone for a day. Lots of people care bunches for him. He is getting better everyday. He purchased an at home ekg thing. It’s great. Since he was shocked his heart rhythm is great. He says he can actually feel it beating correctly. His face is not as white so I think the circulation is better. On Tuesday he will go for his rehab orientation. I know he will be glad to be exercising again. We do walk the dogs together and he does at least 2 more short ones. The best thing? He’s cooking. Yum.

My Festival of the Trees is coming right along. When I’m done with my 1500 words today I’ll head to the garage. I now have part of the tree covered in white ornaments and snow to represent the comet!! I have some fabric that is beautiful with metallic gold and northern light colors in them. I do hope it will be stunning when I’m totally finished.

I attended the “Unmask the Stigma of Mental Health” gala last night. It was very nice. A friend of mine gave his testimony of recovery of drug addiction, mental illness, and being a felon. It was so moving. He will be graduating from seminary in December. He is also a boxer/MMA fighter? Not sure which but he excells in it. Another speaker was a comedian from Canada. He has a business named “Stand Up for Mental Health”. It is remarkable what he does. He showed a film of working with several people with multiple mental disorders. He holds classes and then they have a show. It was so touching to see what they did with their 5 minutes. I did get a chance to talk to him about training with him. But…….before I met him I went up to another man thinking he was the comedian. Ooops. I did donate my “Portals” quilt to the fundraiser and not 1 person bid on it. My mental illness of being a loser syndrome made me sad about that. Whatever. We’ll be using it now.

I loved the title “Unmasking Stigma” for this gala. My first knowledge of how this can affect one’s life happened when I was 33. I was on my 2nd marriage with 2 kids. My daughter was 7 and son was 2. I was working for the federal government for GSA. It was a good job. I was also in a very toxic, abusive, mean marriage. This was 2 way street of being in an unhealthy relationship. I was an alcoholic and into cocaine. My husband was too. As I look back and hear other stories about these type of marriages, it is both people. Being a mother was hard for me. I loved my kids but I really loved to work and go out drinking and ride my motorcycle. That’s what alcoholics do. It’s all about their own needs.

We had purchased a home. It’s was a 2 story with a dirt basement and a boiler. It was located in Central Topeka on 8th street. We painted the inside and I planted beautiful flowers in the front and we had a porch swing. My parents had an inheritance and paid for a new boiler to be installed. That really helped us financially with heating bills. There were those cool iron radiators all over the house. I loved the noise they would make. Along with working I also had a button and patch making business. My patches were very popular at motorcycle rallies we would attend. We both had Harleys and were very involved with ABATE. I was even state secretary which was kind of a big deal in the motorcycle community. As ABATE grew throughout the state, the board would go out of town on weekends often setting up new districts. I loved those weekends. Basically they were big parties and getting really drunk. Ugh…I can still remember some hangovers from those weekends.

The years of this story are 1983-1986 I think. My drinking was beginning to affect me, but I didn’t realize it at the time. We would get in these drunken fights. I can’t tell you how many times I jumped out of our car during a fight and walk miles to get hold of a friend. (How did we escape without cellphones???) I also would run out of the house in the middle of the night at times. Sobered up we would do okay.

I had a conference in Kansas City to attend with my boss. We stayed 2 nights. There were several attendees from 4 states. After the first day of meetings, we all went to a club. It was sooo much fun. Drinking and dancing. The next morning I felt really hungover. It was torture being in a meeting all day. I tried drinking a Bloody Mary at lunch. No help at all. Finally I was back in my room. We were all to go out again. I thought a nice warm bath might help me feel better. It didn’t. I began to get shaky and my hands were cramping up. I felt like I was dying!!! I was so scared. I had to call my boss to take me to the ER. It was awful. When the ER doctor came in he began asking me questions. I was truthful. I told him that I thought was dying. He told me this happens to people sometimes and he prescribed some Valium. What a miracle that pill was for me. I was able to live!!! Valium would save me many times after that. Menningers was located in Topeka. World renown psychiatric hospital. Occasionally it would have an article about clinics coming up for various issues. One time it was “Are you suffering from anxiety, stress. Difficulty with everyday life?” I thought to myself “Yes”. I applied and was accepted for a free psychiatric evaluation. When I first arrived to the appointment I told the doctor I wasn’t feeling well. My lips were all tingly and my hands were cramping badly. We talked and I answered many questions about my life. He diagnosed me with panic attacks and diagnosed an anti-psychotic medication. Wow. I took it for 6 months. My brain and thoughts took a vacation during those months. No more panic attacks until my psychiatrist called me at work one day. He told me he was moving to Texas with Menningers. He wanted to tell me good-by. Oh nooooooo. I will have no one around. I went off the medicine. I had to be honest with my office and tell them what had been happening with me emotionally. The office manager told me the info would have to be in my employment records. That meant no promotions which I applied for. Was that the reason? I’ll never know. I left the government.

My mental health is in a serious decline. I’m not a good person. I’m not a good mother. I’m not a good wife. My thoughts are dark. I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell. My panic attacks are more painful. More ER visits. I take a bio-feedback class. I realized that I was making myself this sick. I really had to work on my breathing. Hyperventilation was killing me. Once I realized that I tried to work on the breathing. One awful night we had a huge fight. We went to marriage counseling. I was told to not anger him when he was drinking. That was it. I was lost with no one to help. The drinking was out of control.

I was heading home after work. I had to stop for an errand. I looked at the newspaper and saw that my husband had filed for divorce!!! Totally, totally, totally in shock. I sat there for about 30 minutes. What the FUCK!! I drove to the bank. All the money gone. The next 11 months were pure hell for my daughter and I. We were living in a dumpy icky apartment. My husband had custody of my son. My drinking took another turn. I started having some black outs. One Monday morning I found my daughter asleep on top of me. I asked what happened. She said she couldn’t wake me up. My heart broke in a million pieces. Oh my God. Oh my God. I was so frightened. During the next week and number of events happened. Messages from God. Seeing friends who were going to AA. Talking to a counselor. I had to quit drinking. I was scared to quit drinking. How would I quiet my non-stop thoughts that raced through my brain 24 hours a day. I couldn’t lose custody of my daughter. The friend I had talked to earlier in the week went to my first sober AA meeting. It was at 9 am Sunday morning, June 22, 1986. I had been in that same room 25 years before that, with my Dad, playing bingo. He was an alcoholic.

BREATHE IN THROUGH THE NOSE. BREATHE OUT THROUGH THE NOSE.

It’s 3 days after the election. As I was frosting my cupcakes with blue frosting, a thought came rushing through my mind. Why did I sob so hard on Wednesday? I had friends I could cry on the phone with. It was such a deep cry which was confusing. I’ve been through emotional elections before.

I vote Independent. I have voted for both parties over the years. I remember my Mom said that was bad. One should commit to a party. I was not able to do that. I am an emotional voter. It is tricky because it eliminates my ability to know the facts about candidates. I realized this during the Clinton administration. I was very excited for him. Until….the Monica era. I could not see beyond the blow job, the flirting, the disgusting vision of her giving him a blow job in the White House was too much. It didn’t matter about the deficit, employment or gas prices. How can we be that stupid.

I loved the Obama eras. It almost destroyed my marriage. I was a blogger at the time. I’ll never forget the post when I said I was voting for Obama. The comments. The anger. It was unbelievable. The racism!! I was able to attend my first and last Obama Political Rally in Pueblo, CO. There were others from La Veta at the rally. Apparently they were shocked I was there. Denny and I owned a fitness center and would Fox News on it all the time. I was not “woke” at that time and didn’t know what that meant. When McCain announced he picked Sarah for vice-president, one relative asked, “Does this change your mind about McCain because he has a female running mate” Uh….. no. The drama carried into our marriage. We lived in a 40 foot motor home full-time. We were on totally different pages regarding this election. It was so heated that we did not speak for 3 weeks. Neither of us gave an inch. When we did begin speaking again, the years of not being able to talk politics began. The edginess remained during the entire Obama era.

If I thought the Obama era was difficult. It pales in comparison to the Trump election.He was elected in 2018. We wintered in Brownsville,TX from 2015-2019 which was very red. It became a hot spot for news in 2018. First the border at Matamoros became closed to immigrant crossing for asylum. Next there were rumors of a wall being built right through the middle of the resort. That caused quite an uproar. All the news stations were riding golf carts through the area and interviewing residents. I personally wasn’t interviewed.

June 2018 Team Brownsville was formed. I couldn’t wait to get to Brownsville and be a part of this group. I joined them in January of 2019. There were about 50 immigrants living on the bridge waiting to cross. I was to meet the group at the bus station which is across the street from the Matamoros Bridge.I walked around and would see people with coolers and ask them if they were Team Brownsville. They looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently the Hispanic community travels on buses with coolers. Finally, I met up with Gabby and the 2 of us walked over. It was quite an adventure. We went to 2 bridges and then took a taxi to another place. Remember we are 2 women; it was dark and thankfully Gabi spoke Spanish. I met a woman from Cameroon, Africa. I had a lively talk with her. She gave me a dress that her sister had made back in Africa. The scary part was meeting at a brick building that was holding a group from Cuba. They became angry about the food and Gabi was arguing. We made it out safely and no one ever went back to that building or the other bridge. Remember we are in Cartel country, and it doesn’t take much to be killed in Matamoros. From then on we had a calendar of when we would cross. Denny became involved with the cooking. Hot dogs, chicken, soup. I loved that he participated.  One Sunday Lucy and walked over breakfast. It was cold and rainy. We were bringing hot coffee and breakfast tacos. No one had anything to protect them from the rain. The guards would not let them get cover on the bridge. Everyone was shaking and soaking wet as we passed out breakfast. It was maddening when the guards came and took food.!!!!! We were distraught. We left in tears and stopped for coffee. We were talking and there was a couple sitting next to us. She was a lawyer and we shared the situation we had experienced. She eventually became a lawyer for the asylum seekers. I continued with the mission until we left for home in April. There were about 15 of us that were Team Brownsville and some residents would secretly donate. This was a very divisive mission for Riverbend. We were not liked helping the seekers over the border. Trump did not approve of this. This caused some of my not-fitting in issues but I loved my fellow Team Brownsville members.

I loved our cute little house, the golf course and the town itself. We lived in a little 1994 trailer that had a Texas room. Denny fixed it up soooo cute and colorful. Even had a little guest room. We had quite a bit of company. We could see the golf course. We had a golf cart. I learned how to play Mahjong. I tried to volunteer for some of the openings they had, one being Bingo. I took on the job of setting up Bingo each week. It was a small group and the pot would be 2 or 3 dollars with a blackout. I couldn’t wait to call my first game. Denny, Dave, Sherry, Robin and Dean came as support. (One would think I wouldn’t need support but this was Riverbend) I started calling the first game and immediately criticism began. Talk Louder! Talk Slower! Okay Okay. Then the next game a lady stopped me and told me how to call the numbers. Oh… There’s a technique. So I followed her suggestion. Then a loose ping pong ball went flying over the rail and that caused some irritation. After a few games I said something clever  like “B9 B9..your tumor is benign” A man yells out “Why don’t you just call Bingo!!”  OHHHHHHH  We aren’t supposed to be having fun with this $2 dollar pot!!!!! I was so pissed. My tone of voice changed and my friends became hysterical because they knew when that happened all hell was going to break loose. I couldn’t wait to finish. “Thank God we are on Blackout!! After this game is called, just know I shant be back!” (I shant be back?) The whole room was crazy. People were leaving mad but I also got a standing ovation from others. Remember this was for $2 dollar pots. I did come back and we changed up the process and began having a pot that would build up each week. The bingo group grew to a full room and it became quite profitable. I didn’t volunteer for anything else after that year.

I geared up for another year in Riverbend. I would have to have these long talks with myself. (I don’t have to be invited to anything. It’s going to be okay. I can play golf, mahjong, sew, and hang with my few friends, it will be okay Jay. We are not going to by hypersensitive) I continued with Team Brownsville even though the dynamics were changing. Volunteers from all over the country were coming down to help. It was so wonderful to see the outpouring of love for the immigrants. I was helping in small ways but not totally enmeshed. Company came and we had some fun when they were here. Our funny little guest room worked out nicely. The cutest thing was Bendi. They would wake up in the middle of the night. Bendi would go into the room and give each person a kiss. Then they would come back to bed. My golf improved. We had fun playing golf. Not a bad year. I took a group to Italy. I was beginning my new job as a travel agent.

January 2020. It  was our last year living in Riverbend. I am sorry for my husband because he really liked it there. He is not a social person so he wasn’t feeling the issues I was. Everything was okay. I worked a little with Team Brownsville and Central Kitchen. Matamoros was growing and many volunteers were coming from all over the country. When the pandemic hit, the border was shut down. Central Kitchen came down and I volunteered with them preparing meals. It was confusing at first when COVID guidelines started happening. The Central Kitchen left. We were not to leave our homes. Denny would be the one to go to the stores because there could not be more than one person in a vehicle. Within Riverbend there were to be no more happy hours, no games, no golf and masks must be worn. Several of us began making masks. I made around 500. Felt good about it and was okay at first. Unfortunately, I am a person who can be hyper emotional over issues that I don’t need to be. The happy hours continued. Hugging each other continued. Golfers were sneaking out on the course. Many seemed apathetic to the COVID danger because Trump was actually being apathetic. One day a post came on FB.I t was 2 women in Riverbend that had done a craft project together and were hugging. One of the women had been very cruel to me. I’m sure that added to my angst. I fell completely apart. Sobbing. Sobbing. Sobbing. No one cares. What’s wrong with this place? Do they not understand that hazmat suits are being worn in hospitals. People were dying. Famous people were dying. Denny and my daughter were very worried about me. They had me call my therapist in California. I was so confused. Why was I taking this so hard?  Why do I behave like this? What does it matter what other people do!!!!! This has been a problem for me my entire life. It uproots us. It causes broken friendships. It’s so hard on my husband. I said “we have to sell and I have to get out of here and never come back”. We packed up, cleaned up the house and put it up for sale. We drove back to Colorado. I love Colorado and La Veta. Of course, there was a contingency of residents who were not following protocol. I stayed away from them. My depression continued. 

When we lived in rural La Veta. It took an hour to get good health care. Many residents in our town were falling, having heart attacks, cancer and Alzheimer’s. We made a mature decision and would move back to Topeka. It was a busy few months getting cleaned out and moved. Torrie and Larry came out twice and took trailers and an RV to Topeka. It was extremely hot and a long process. We succeeded. We arrived in Topeka at our little fixer upper townhouse. I’m still seeing people not taking the pandemic seriously, but we are. Denny was painting the townhouse. I was unpacking and organizing. We are now knowing friends who are passing away or their family members. It was so sad and scary. We began getting our vaccines. Side note- Several that lived in Riverbend passed away from the virus. One neighborhood had a party. 3 people died of COVID in that group. I don’t know how many total but several were affected. Trump actually was infected with COVID. He said it was no big deal. He had a driver take him around the hospital grounds to show he was okay. It was pathetic. Continued to feed into the public that listened to him and the anti-vaxers continued their cause. This included friends and family and again difficult conversations.

In the fall of 2020 I was in the depths. My travel agent business was over. I had booked several trips in the spring and spent the summer canceling. It was a lot of work and a lot of long holds on the phone. AND I was not getting paid. I have a friend who does a weight loss program spiritually. I had read about it several times. This was the time. I needed a life coach to get me out of this nightmare. For the next 6 months I worked with her. It was so helpful and rewarding and meaningful. She is the reason I began my comedy career. 

January 2021 The pandemic is still happening but luckily classes are on zoom. A whole new world opens up for me. Biden is now President. I voted for him.

NOVEMBER 7, 2024

DENNY GETS A JUMP START

Due to a heart flutter issue, Denny had his heart shocked today. Let’s hope that this takes care of the problem. It took about 3 hours total to be at the hospital. We were able to go to Perkins for a yummy breakfast afterward. He rested most of the afternoon.

I continue to think of beautiful colors for my Festival of Trees tree. Now I’ve added the comet to it. Hope to finish that up tonight. All Christmas was 50% off so that helped with purchases.

Yesterday I had my pulmonology appointment. Trying to get my narcolepsy under control. It has been very difficult lately. The doctor explained that narcolepsy puts my sleep feelings in totally different rhythm. For me it comes and goes. The last couple of months I could barely drive across time because I was so sleepy. He increased my medication and if that doesn’t help we’ll do another sleep test. I have too much to do to be sleepy.

November 6, 2024

Harris vs Trump TRUMP WINS

Oh my God. Oh my God. I can not believe this country. The man has been on trial for months. He’s a criminal. He had a huge group of citizens attack the capital. Capital policemen were killed. Three others committed suicide. I don’t understand why one would think he is safe to be our President. I get it. Don’t want a woman for President? So we go with a criminal. And women are voting for him when he has taken rights away from so many. I will never understand. If I was single I would go to Europe and never come back. I will stay but I won’t be the same. Friendships will end.

I do know others who have. I don’t know. I kept seeing posts on FB that we can all be friends. I don’t know. I kept it up after he was elected last time. I don’t know if I can now. Vote Libertarian, write in a vote. There are many ways to vote. Just because one didn’t want a woman for president but they want a criminal, a sexist, someone involved with Jeffry Epstein, someone who is friends with Putin, someone who used his microphone in a sick sexual way. I will never understand. I will never understand. I will never understand. I will never understand.

When I lived in Brownsville I was surround by Trump supporters. I loved my our little place down there. I survived a couple of years being on the outside of the community. but in 2020 when the pandemic hit. I hit the wall. We were told no more happy hours. No more group activities. No golfing. It was pandemic. The people that lived there didn’t care. They kept up with happy hours. They kept golfing. They would post FB photos of them hugging. Not wearing masks. It was so awful that they didn’t take it seriously. I fell apart and could not quit sobbing. People were dying. People were dying. Some of the residents in Riverbend died because they had parties. They continue to do group activities and several DIED! I will never understand. I know people whose family members died. They were anti-vax. There family members DIED! They were in God’s hands so they did not get vaccinated. Okay don’t. But family member DIED! I will never understand. I will never understand. We had to sell our cute little place and leave and never go back. We came back to Topeka. My little travel business collapsed. Canceling reservations. One couple demanded that they should get their money back immediately. She wouldn’t listen that it would take some time. The entire cruise line was shut down. People were dying on cruises. The cruise lines were at a standstill. She got so mad at me. Her lawyer son called me and told me he was going to report me to the company. He wrote them a letter and demanded I be fired!!! It was out of my hands. She lied to the company that I had responded to her emails, her phone calls. She lied!! She lied!! I had no control about refunds. He wrote and letter to the company and DEMANDED I be fired. My depression deepened. I was becoming paralyzed. I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. Travel agents were losing their jobs. Millions of trip cancelled. I couldn’t do anything about her refund. I was dealing with a Trump lover. He treats people like this. I don’t understand why anyone votes for him. Yes I’m repeating myself. I’ m stuttering in my head. Women voting for Trump. Maybe they can tell me what they know about him that I don’t. Does he have a kind heart that I’m not aware of? He makes fun of people with disabilities!! He acted he was giving the microphone a blow job for God’s sake!!! Come on. Out country is a joke! Who could ever think we were a powerful country. He made fun of the virus. He got it and then pranced around like it was no big deal. He had a big gathering!! Friends of his DIED from the virus after attending!! WHY THE FUCK IS THAT OKAY WITH THOSE WHO VOTED FOR HIM!!!!! I will never understand. Some of you who voted for him lost family members and friends in the pandemic and he was treating it like a joke!!! PEOPLE DIED!!!!!!!! It was heartbreaking. Many are still recovering from the virus. I had it twice and I was very sick and it took me weeks to get my strength and brain back.

I will never ever understand. I know very very intelligent people and friends and they voted for him Because the are staunch Republicans and can’t change their mind? I’m an Independent voter. I have voted both Republican, Libertarian and Democrat. There are other choices if you didn’t want a female president.

Denny and I walked to the poll this morning. It was so pleasant. I was excited. We walked the dogs. I went to work feeling good. On my 6:15 break I peaked at the news. I was sickened. When I got off at midnight I peaked at it and became overwhelmed. I will never understand. I will never understand. Equal Rights will not be protected. People have been losing their jobs because of their sexual orientation because Trump made that okay. It’s not okay!!!!!! It’s not okay!!! It’s not okay to discriminate. It’s not okay to dismiss a person because of their gender, their color, their nationality, lack of a home. People I know are very religious and they voted for Trump. I don’t understand. Christians should love and accept everyone!! From everywhere!! I work with the unsheltered. My job is with a company who gives people 2nd chances! People out of jail, the homeless, the addicts. They help them in anyway they can to get back on their feet. I work with people who are Hispanic and speak Spanish. This company even has programs for them in Spanish so they an work there too. Some of the jobs are very easy but need to be done. It’s a great place for 2nd chances. I love people who want to help those who no one cares about.

I don’t know what I will do for awhile. I need to process how I will handle my feelings. I will not go to the depths but I will be off social media. I will not watch the news. I will not go out and about unless it’s an appointment. I have one comedy show left and I will be backing away from it. Nothing is funny. Nothing.

I will continue to support my Denny as he continues on his health journey that is kind of night mare. I will be with my kids. I can’t see beyond that. I want to leave and disappear. I think it’s because I know people who voted for him. That’s what is getting me right now. It will pass. It will pass. We won’t talk about it. Maybe they won’t talk to me. I don’t know. It’s not supposed to divide us but how can it not? I don’t know. I don’t know how to handle it tonight. I’m rambling. It’s 2:25 am. I really to relax and go to bed. I see my pulmonary doctor in the morning. So that’s it. My blog will probably be more private now because I’m not posting on social media. It’s okayl. Maybe I should just do this silently. That’s okay too. Maybe I need to just be silent. I might like the sounds of silence.

DAY 2 1500 WORDS

Going back to work has changed how I feel on Sundays. It was a day of just messing around. Just another day. When one is retired, most days just feel like any day. Now I think about laundry. I also wonder where the items for my back pack are. I consider what needs to be done around the house before I go to work on Monday. It doesn’t feel stressful, just different. Working again is a good thing for me. I am so scattered with my thoughts. Knowing a time frame everyday helps be more accomplished.

Today my focus was on my Festival of Trees entry. I have a 5 ft tree that will be decorated depicting the Northern Lights. My image in my head of this tree is so beautiful. I truly hope it will be exquisite.

I asked my friend Becky to come by and help me get started. I was using the tree that came with the house. Denny had carried it upstairs and it was partially put together. Becky and I began organizing the branches. They have a thick wire on each one and a hole we insert the branch into. Becky mentioned that she had ordered 2 Christmas trees accidentally. I began thinking about the tree we were working on. Was it really a good tree for this event? I found the rules for the entry and discovered that this tree would not qualify! I told Becky that I should buy one of her trees. We hopped in the car to go check out the new trees. I did buy one of them thankfully.

Now let’s back up a minute. I have known about this event for several months. I have read all the designer rules. Several times! Why did I not read the rules about what will be acceptable for the festival? I don’t get me sometimes. It clearly states that the tree I had would not work. I had double checked many of the rules but not the tree. How ridicules for me to not pay attention. This is a quick view of how I function on a daily basis.

I love being creative. I run into trouble at times by not paying attention to steps that need to be taken for a project. Quilt patterns can be tricky. At times I think I know what I’m doing without double checking the pattern. The other night I had to tear out lap quilt because I read the directions wrong. What a waste of time. I don’t like to measure. We needed some little curtains for our RV. I thought no problem. I made them and gave to Denny to put them up. He came back in. I had sewn the openings for the curtain rod closed. I have a 6 thread embroidery machine. A business needed their logo on some shirts. I embroidered them all and gave them to the business. I had embroidered the design on top of the pockets of the shirt. What????? I didn’t notice pockets??

I began sewing and embroidering when we bought our RV park in La Veta, CO. We owned it from 2013 to 2017. I would embroider sweatshirts. I was know for embroidering the front and back together so you couldn’t pull it over your head. I also would embroider the design upside down or sideways just because I wasn’t paying attention. Needless to say, did I actually make a profit with these orders?? Sewing machines and embroidery machines can be obnoxious at times. Needles breaking, threads breaking, threads knotting up, running out of bobbin threads. I always wanted to have a little shop. I wanted to sell items I made. I fulfilled that dream.

Another business we owned was a fitness center with a coffee and bicycle shop. During that phase I was into ceramics. I loved buying bisque ware and glazing my designs on them. I had a kiln. For the coffee shop I designed coffee cups and espresso cups. My big mistake with them was using glazes that were not safe to have drinks in! I had actually sold a few not knowing this important information. Omgeee. Who all did I poison???? My studio was on one side of our southwestern style home in La Veta. My kiln didn’t have a timer. I would sleep in the studio and set alarms to change the firing temps. During one firing Denny and I went to town. When we came my studio was full of smoke!!!! Oh jeez. I was going to be in big trouble. Thankfully it was just smoke. I had left my oven mitt on top of the kiln. Lesson learned. Eventually I did buy a bigger kiln that had built in timer. Kilns are a funny possession. Both of my big kilns were free. We just had to take them out of the owners houses.

I had to make decisions when we moved back to Topeka. I had so much fabric. I had so much yarn. I had so many glazes, green ware, and a kiln. We had a huge moving sale. Luckily someone got a great deal on the kiln and supplies. I sold boxes of fabric. A lady who had a booth bought all of the yarns and supplies. I did move my rigid heddle loom thinking i would use it again. A new weaver purchased it from me in Topeka. Now I mainly sew and paint.

We bought our current home from friends after their parents had passed away. It’s very cool because they were Denny’s parents good friends. The house was built in 1970. Ranch style with an added on family room. It was dated but in good shape. Denny repainted all the rooms. Installed the flooring. Totally remodeled the finished part of the basement. Repainted the house. It has 3 bedrooms but they were too small to be a studio.. We turned the living room into my studio. I love it so much. It’s bright and all of my tables and machines fit nicely. The downside is the mess it can be at times. I do believe it shocks people at times who happen to see it. I share it with Sugar Kitty. Her tower is by the picture window and she loves watching the lizards and squirrels.

Going back to topic of reading directions. My reading habits suck. I’m a skimmer. This causes me lots of headaches. Just like the Christmas tree issue. Why did I just skim over that. I just read headlines. Seldom do I read a whole article. I will blame some of that on the ridiculous set up of media online. Subscriptions will not let me read a lot of articles. I’m bad at trying “free for 7 days” offers. I always think I will remember to cancel. But I never do. Such a waste of money. Medications can be a problem. Recently I was taking an antibiotic. I thought I was taking 1 a day for 14 days. It was 2 tables a day for 7 days. Jeeeeez Jay. Is it my age? Not really. Am I losing my brain capacity.? Probably. I do worry about that. Right now I just sound all of my friends who are the same age.

Yes I am rambling. I still have 250 words to write. Update on Denny’s recovery. Thursday he will be shocked to fix the flutter. His AFIB is better. He is still tired but feels okay. He is just tired of all the set backs. He hasn’t been started rehab. Hopefully week after this. He is fixing meals again. Dog walking is on me for now. The dogs are tuggers so not good for his chest muscles. He can drive now. He is also grocery shopping. One big no no is laundry. No taking wet clothes out of washer or pulling a whole pile out of the dryer. He still should sleep on his back which makes sleeping difficult. Too many little things interfering with his sleep. I feel so bad for him. Coughing at night is the worst. He is taking some nighttime Robitussin which is helping. He only took 2 prescriptions before the surgery and now he has so many. I don’t know if he’ll have to stay on all of them forever.

I’m up to 1389 words now. It doesn’t seem too difficult. My plan is to write when I get home from work. I’m usually home by 9:15. I’m awake until midnight. This project isn’t overwhelming to me as of the 2nd day. I do know, I don’t want to write 3000 words in a night. That will keep me focused on writing daily. I like the format of my blog. My biggest problem was getting the menu pages to open. I think I fixed that tonight. We shall see. Twenty two more words. Thank you all who will join me on this journey. My hope is to get off of social media and that you will subscribe to this. If you do you will get a notification of a new post. I did it!!. Night Night

HALLOWEEN 2014

Denny and I were excited. Circle the Wagons was closed for the season. We were heading to Texas for a bicycle trip with a group of friends. Denny was busy packing up our motor home and pickup that we towed behind our 40 ft rv. I, on the other hand, was heading to Pueblo with Mitzi and Ginny to watch scary movies. We made a day of it. Lunch and watching 2 movies! It was such a fun day. Mitzi and I were known for our scary movie trips to Pueblo. For a few years we had a scary movie group. It was small but full of love of the worst scary movies out there.

We had turned our phones off for several hours. Ginny was the first to check her phone as we headed to the car. She handed her phone to me. It was Nancy. She told to me to call Denny immediately because he had been trying to contact me. I thought “I bet he needs something from Home Depot.” I called him. He said “Justin died”. I was confused. Which Justin? He said “Billie has been frantically trying to get hold of you. Justin died a couple of hours ago.” I screamed. “I’ve got to get to Topeka. Oh my God. Oh my God.” Denny said “I’ve already unpacked the motorhome and we will be ready to go as soon as you get home”. Ginny and Mitzi were speechless. We couldn’t believe this devastating news. We talked all the way home about Billie and the kids. What was Billie going to do. What happened to Justin. It’s Halloween and I know the kids probably were ready for trick or treating. My heart was pounding in my head. We’ll drive all night. So many calls to make. Canceling the bicycle trip. I begin sobbing. A deep cry from my heart and soul. The family had lost our niece Juli the year before. A deadly cancer. Tragedy. Sadness. Stay focused. I can’t wait to get home to La Veta and Denny. Driving 9 hours all night to get to Billie. So long, so many miles, but we must drive carefully. Winding backroads. Lots of curves. Very dark out.

I called Billie. She is in shock. Some details, but it has been very hectic for her. I’m so far away from her. I want to be there right now.

Ginny and Mitzi drop me off at home. Denny is anxiously waiting for me. We hug tightly. We discuss what we know at this point. Justin died of a heart attack. WHAT!! How can that be. He’s only 38 years old. He has 3 children. I begin sobbing. Heartbroken. What is going to happen. We get in the truck.

We continue to talk about Billie, the kids, what will happen to them all. Maybe we’ll move them to Colorado. We’d be able to help them out. How can Billie do this all by herself. It’s too much. It’s too much. I cry off and on. We stop at Mittens in Oakley. Halfway there. We’re both tired. It’s 1 am. We’ll try to take a nap parked next to the trucks. We settle in. We keep the truck running because it’s very cold out. Meeko curls up in the front seat but he sets off the seat belt beep. We can’t get it to stop. He wouldn’t come to the back seat. For some reason our horn starts honking. We began to be afraid that the truckers were going to come and beat us up. Off we go, 4 1/2 hours from Topeka.

7:00 am we arrive at Billie’s house. The first person I saw was Scott coming out. We hugged. He was sooo sad. Billie, the kids, friends are all home. Grief, shock. Questions. Details. Life is a blur for a few days. Planning the funeral. Justin’s brother buying several Royals shirts because they will be in the World Series. He wants the pall bearers to wear them. (Justin was a sports fan to the max and he was so excited about the World Series.)

Denny and I were so surprised to see the support of friends that Billie had surrounding her. It was incredible. We had no idea. Many of them had been friends for years. Most of them had little children. Billie’s kids were 11, 9 and 4 at this time.

Justin had come home from work and told Billie he was going to lay down. for a bit. He had picked the kids up from school. They were going to get their costumes ready. Justin said “I’m really hungry”. They decided on Chinese and Billie called it in. She went to the bedroom and thought Justin was making funny sleeping sounds on purpose. She told him he need to get up. She looked at him again and noticed his coloring and knew immediately he may have passed away. She pulled him off the bed and began CPR. The kids all came into the room. Cade, the oldest had to call 911. Confusion. Fear. Billie kept the CPR up until the EMT’s arrived. The continued to try and revive him as they took him to the hospital. Billie and the kids hopped int he car. She called the brothers, his parents, friends. Billie arrived at the hospital thinking she would see Justin alive. Instead, they took her into this little room and informed her that they couldn’t save him. Shock,Shock, Shock. She was able to see him. They had covered him with a quilt. She said her good bye.

When they arrived home, a new issue need to be addressed. If there is a death in the home, it is treated as suspicious. The police came to the house. Yellow taped it and asked the family to leave. The police search the premises for a few hours. It was hard for Billie and the kids to have this happen. Thankfully the kids were able to trick or treat which helped the situation.

Denny and I stay in a motel and help wherever we can. The next few days were so busy with decisions. The house was full of friends and family. Justin was well known and his funeral was huge. Tragic. Sadness Life is so short. Justin is now with his brother Sammy who had passed away from a heart attack at the age of 40. Heart disease issues.

I stay with Billie to help out. The kids had to get back in school. I’m so worried about Cade. Justin was his best friend. How was he going to cope. I had so much sadness and fear and anxiety for him. During the night I could hear crying, Billie trying to comfort, all of them sleeping in the same room. Life as they all knew it would drastically change.

It is now 10 years later. Cade is 21, Kyler 19 and Elliott 14. They are great kids. Very proud of Billie being there for them through thick and thin!!

Cade was a naturally smart guy but he didn’t apply himself at times. Junior high was difficult but he made it through. (Can we just skip Junior High??) I worry how he will do when he enters Topeka High. There will be so many students. Will he fit in. Will he have friends. I keep worrying about little things. As a freshman he blossoms into this bright and smart young man. He is taking debate and forensics and there is a passion for him. He is very diligent and works very hard. His grades are better and he is busy. Each year he achieves more goals and wins and by his senior year he is excelling. He graduates with honors and will attend our local college Washburn with a scholarship. Cade exceeds all expectations in college. 4.0 grade point. Lives in the dorm and is the RA. Debate continues to enrich him and in his freshman year he is given a full ride for 4 years. They notice his strengths. 2024-Cade is the #1 Debater in the nation and Washburn is first in the nation, Quite a milestone for Cade and Washburn. He mentors, tutors, travels around as a coach. I can’t wait to see what his decision will be regarding a career. I love this young man so much. Watching Cade these last 1o years is a true lesson in finding a passion. Believing in that passion.

My family background is full of mental issues. Depression, anxiety, addictions. I’ve been treated for bi-polar and anxiety since my 40’s. I had those issues since my teens, but it wasn’t addressed until my life became total shit. When I watch my kids go through their issues I guilty. Thankfully, I was able to use therapy with them when they were young. I wanted to listen when they had problems and fears. Could I break some link from our genetics? Not really, but I have seen Billie handle her kids issues with understanding. It can be dramatic. I believe Cade is a testament of continuing despite devastating sadness and not let it define him. Watching him grow into this remarkable young man has put joy into my heart.

CAN ONE GET HIGH ON 2ND HAND POT SMOKE?

GOOD MONDAY MORNING. Just back from a dog walk. Our focus is always on if Zeke poops. Today was major success. It’s hard to imagine how much joy this brings to Denny and I. It’s beyond weird.

Big weekend for Denny. The family owned Harley Davidson store he owned once celebrated it’s 75th birthday Saturday. I’m so happy Denny was there. His nephew Mike owns the store now. A business making it through 3 generations is a miracle. Denny stood for quite awhile visiting. Yesterday he walked a dog walk with me and again this morning. Tomorrow is heart rehab orientation. His heart is moving along.

Friday night Billie and I drove to Blue Springs to where I did a 15 minute set. The venue was Lotawana Brewing company. It was an outdoor venue. Chilly out but a warm fire pit was great. Pot smoke was wafting through the air as I listened to the comic. I wondered if there was pot in the fire pit. Forty – five minutes later Billie and I left. immediately stopped at a quick shop for junk food. JUJY FRUITS! YAY! Driving down the interstate I began eating the candy. BUT!! I don’t like black JUJY’s because they are licorice. I was holding teach piece in front of the dashboard light to make sure they were transparent. This would cause me to slow down. Billie says “What are you doing!! Give them to me!.” She picked out the colors for me. I thought about what I had been doing and went WHOA!! I must have been stoned to drive that unsafely!! I was stoned from 2nd hand pot smoke and I’m sticking to that. In my right mind I would never have done that while driving. Or would I??

I THOUGHT THURSDAY WAS FRIDAY

It is odd when I get my days mixed. It’s one thing to be told it’s Thursday in the morning. It is ridiculous to continue thinking it’s Friday into the evening. I will not think I have that dreaded brain disease. Typing in a musty basement is detrimental to my brain. Come on insurance. Pay for the backed up drain clean up. Ugh.

Busy day of running around. Angelic had donated 7 bags of clothing. We drove to the Rescue mission and left bags there. We left the rest of them with the MAP group to restock clothing supplies. Angelic saw the MAP set up. MAP stands for Mobile Access Partnership. Volunteers work with the homeless with their laundry, phones, showers, clothing, and medical needs twice a week. A dedicated group of volunteers.

I signed up for a cupcake decorating class. It will be flowers! I’ll be using bags and tips for decorating. My cupcakes will look like they were made on the Great British Baking Show. I hope. The pastry bags always freak me out.

Denny continuing to do okay but the AFIB keeps him from feeling normal. He had tests, x-rays and ultra-sounds yesterday. I wish the cardiologist would call and talk about the results. There is something going on. Like the Eagle, we will trust the process.

AM I RUNNING IN CIRCLES?

OCTOBER 23, 2024

SNAKE-THE HEALING SPIRAL Untamed Elementals Tasya van Ree

Snake is the fertile union between ebb and flow. She willingly lives life’s experiences, then releases them back to the earth when they no longer serve her existence, shedding her skin regularly to release and be born anew. When resting, Snake forms a coiled spiral, soaking in the warmth from the earth, bringing herself into balance and healing. 

Sometimes it might feel like you are just going in circles, resisting old patterns or wounds you thought were healed but Snake indicates that this can be positive. Her body forms  circles within circles, a reminder that healing happens in a spiral and what we thought we left behind must sometimes  be revisited for healing to be complete. While Snake’s spiraling energy might journey toward the stars, her actual body rests against the Earth. Snake reminds you to spend time resting your own body on the ground. Close your eyes and receive the Earth’s frequencies. Stay focused on your vision of wholeness. You are making progress even if it appears you are just going in circles.

BALANCED:PATIENCE, FORBEARANCE OF CONCRETE CONCLUSIONS, EASY FLOW

IMBALANCED: FROZEN HOPELESS , A PERCEPTION OF FIXED DIS-EASE

TO BRING INTO BALANCE: RETUNE YOURSELF TO EARTH’S BIORHYTHMS AND ALLOW THEM TO ASSIST YOUR RETURN TO WHOLENESS BY SPENDING TIME RESTING YOUR BODY ON THE SOFT GROUND.

I love these Untamed Elemental cards. They are always right on top of what I have going on. I actually feel pretty balanced. It’s been my week of keeping an eye on Denny as he heals from Open Heart surgery that was on October 8. He had his first check up today. He is still in AFIB which is normal for a time after this type of surgery. He also has a cough that is better but is still happening. They did an ultrasound of his lungs and x-ray today. Blood work was done too. You would not believe how bad his blood work is. But once again, normal for this type of surgery. No wonder he doesn’t feel great. His appetite has picked up and I’m enjoying cooking meals. 

I had a dermatology appointment this week. I have a chronic condition called prurigo nodularis. It’s a yucky bunch of painful bump clusters that can become very painful to the point I can tear up. To have clothes touching or rubbing against is an awful feeling. It is a condition that comes and goes. I actually had it all cleared up sometime this summer but I don’t remember if I was just chillin’ out and it calmed down? Or did I quit eating something? I have given up my daily grape popsicles and kettle corn and Ritz crackers but none of that has helped clear anything up. I am going twice a week to the clinic to stand in a tube of lights for a couple of minutes. I’m curious to see what that does. I think it will help. Unfortunately another alternative is Dupixen injections which would probably work great but it costs thousands of dollars a month. I even checked the price on Good RX and it didn’t help much. Knowing about that I will just continue to have it sporadically for the rest of my life unless these lights really help. 

I have until next Monday off of work. A few things I need to finish before that: basement cleanup-not the flooded part; finish sewing Christmas tree skirt; fine tune my comedy set for Friday night in Missouri; finish a quilt for my cousin Ce; start working on my Festival of Trees Christmas tree. I am going to spray paint it and fill it full of colorful ornaments and calling it Northern Lights!; bring the dogs back home on Saturday!. They will and we will be so happy to have them back. Sugar Kitty will be the only one pouting since she has me to herself for 2 weeks. 

One thing I am beating myself up about is my weight and lack of motivation to at least get in a walk. Everyday I say I will and everyday I have another excuse why not too. Tomorrow?? We shall see. Going through this heart issue with Denny has reminded me to keep my heart working in a healthy way and not an unhealthy way.

I’M BACK

I am happy to announce that I’m back with a new website. I have had quite a summer of life changes and adjusting to being 71. Some say “it’s just a number”! It’s more than that to me. 71 means my lifetime is drawing to a close. My family has longevity so I could be around until I am 100. Or not. I have had some devastating losses this that are particularly heartbreaking.

Rob Cioffe was my comedy mentor from 2021. He was so dedicated to helping up and coming comics non stop. He was really excited about seeing me on the Netflix Reality show. He thought it would open so many doors and opportunities for, which it didn’t, but he was positive it would. He died suddenly a couple of months before it aired. Still tear up when I think of him.

Cindy Whitaker was my quilting mentor. We met when she and her husband would camp at our RV park in La Veta, CO. I would have her come and have workshops every year. She was soooooo talented and soooooo patient with me. She died suddenly and it was so sad. I have memory photos of her showing up all the time. We drove to funeral which was in Claude, TX. Still tear up when I think of her.

Ron Reust died in July. Ron and Angelic were our great friends and travel companions. Ron and I met in AA 36 years ago. We were both golfers and spent a lot of time together. We were part of the Wednesday Weed Wackers with Bruce and Kurt. He would make me laugh like no one else. I still tear up when I think of him.

I didn’t mean to go on about death but it is something that is so real at 71. My husband Denny is on day 12 after open heart surgery. We were both taken by surprise with this diagnosis. Especially because it showed up in his Pet Scan for prostate cancer. Thankfully Denny took the initiative to contact a cardiologist before he started his radiation treatments.

Taking care of him has opened a place in my heart I didn’t know I had. He has been a caretaker to me so many times. He has always had full control of the kitchen and whatever the household needs. I am always questioning just what the hell do I do!!! I have enjoyed cooking, making him a small hot tea with honey every night so maybe it will help with the coughing that plagues his sleep. He will be okay but he does say this has really kicked his butt.

I do have a part time job now. I work 4 nights a week from 4-9 pm. They have been kind and I will be off 3 weeks. Even longer if necessary. We just have to see how his healing plays out. It’s process.

Bendi and Zeke are with Auntie Ruth until next weekend. We miss them but it has been nice not having the barking along with the coughing! Sugar Kitty is enjoying her freedom to roam the house everywhere. She has even sat on Denny’s lap a couple of times.

It’s Sunday night. It’s been a good day and the weather is perfect. I love the feel of fall.

Welcome back to my followers.